When Doves Cry Untitled Part II
by Unbridled.mind
Summary: When Nicole accepts a proposal, she cannot know how profoundly it will affect her life, and, if she'll make it to the altar at all. Meanwhile Jess, Pollock and Nina find that true love threatens to sever the ties they’re adamant to hold on to.
1. Masked Doubt Prologue

So after 5/6 months I've finally posted the new 'fic because my need for authenticity outweighed the want to post something new with haste. Thank you to all my readers that made "Untitled" a labour of love and here is the continuation.

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"Untitled" ended in November 2006 so this starts (6 months later) in May 2007. Isn't maths fun? Anyway, in between...No, I can't do that. I'm a writer. Just read, I'll fill in any necessary gaps. My God, does caffeine make you write irrelevant things that don't substitute for a blurb, or what? In my case, yes.

Please read and review or... add me to your favourites so I don't have to resort to shameless self-promotion. Or both. Yeah, both is good. ENJOY!

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"Ms. Scott?"

Nicole had spent the last ten minutes standing in a wedding dress that was getting heavier by the minute. Her reflection portrayed a cool, calm confidence that would never reveal her underlying unease or anxiety. It fit in all the right places, accentuating her curves yet symbolizing her fears. Years of indecision and opposing wants had ceased at this conclusion; the wedding was less than a month away. A voice of doubt whispered, _I don't think I can do this_, but had long been drowned out by external expectations; ordering happiness she was supposed to feel but couldn't always muster. In fact at times like this, when she struggled to catch up to the changes life had brought about and remembered that _she_ had said the yes that sparked the hysteria; she couldn't feel more miserable. And just when all courage was about to escape her and she was ready to run away from what was said to be the most important event of her life, there he was. Suddenly she could breathe, knowing it was worth it.

"Ms. Scott?" Nicole heard the sales assistant calling her name again, this time in a tone bordering on impatience.

"Coming." She exhaled and finally responded.

Going home to alleviate the stress became a bad idea as soon as she found her mother's car parked in her driveway. She recalled the last time they spoke; instead of skirting around the subject as she would have preferred, the conversation became one of many brief verbal scuffles drenched in accusations of the abandonment, alienation and exclusion at the heart of their relationship. Although they had come a long way, neither could fully shake the resentment and guilt they had concerning each other and the impending wedding gave them a reason to argue over it. More so, when Nicole revealed that she was leaving D.C. soon afterwards, the tidal nature of their bond became more evident; their mutual need pulled them together but with history and volatility; they pushed each other away.

"Why are you shutting me out? I didn't know about the fitting."

"I was just looking. You know I haven't found my dress yet."

"You know, time is running out. What about the ivory one with the…"

"I hate ivory."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I'm not. It's just…every time I see you; you come with all this wedding paraphernalia and I just want to relax, if only for one afternoon. That's all. I'm fine by the way, you?"

"Not bad. Besides your leaving the state and Jasmine slipping,"

"You don't know that. She's seventeen; of course she's secretive and bends the rules a little. That doesn't mean she's using again."

"I hope not…_and_ I wish you weren't leaving."

"I'll miss having you all in my business too."

"I'm serious. Are you sure about this?"

"I always thought courage was about toughing it out and how much I could take before I reached breaking point. But this is different. It's faith in the unknown, that I can do this, that it'll work out. So yes, I'm sure."

"What's he doing in Boston anyway? I thought three months was long enough."

"You mean too long. He has a meeting, then he's house hunting. God, I'll really miss this place."

"It sounds like you're not ready to go."

_I guess it does._

"When I say I'm taking the afternoon off, the last place I plan to be is here." Nicole complained to Jess, annoyed at being beckoned to the office at eight that same evening.

"Well, you and Pollock haven't been on great terms lately. Well, worse than usual."

"I know, what's up with that?"

"Like the rest of us, he didn't see it coming. Not to mention you robbed him the pleasure of firing you first."

"That she did." Pollock said through the gap in the ajar door to the bullpen. "FYI Agent Scott, the next time you apply for a transfer, do me the courtesy of informing me first."

"Sure thing Sir."

"Or better yet…don't." And with that he closed the door and the aura of resentment lingered.

"_That_ was strange. Hey Nicole…"

"No, Antonio's not twisting my arm Jess." Nicole answered the unspoken question wile reading through some police reports.

"Right. Because this is all a bit sudden. Especially for you."

She looked up to address Jess' awkward face. "Are you worried?"

"Honestly, we all are. With everything you've been through this year with Sam Lewis and…"

"Darnell."

"Your mother, Jasmine and the Sinclair case you never talk about. We, _I_ worry that you're running away."

"I'm not. You're right to worry because you care about me, but I'm doing this for the right reasons. And as for the Sinclair case, I've come to terms with that."

"Then why do you still blame yourself?"

"He died and I couldn't stop that. So it's not blame; it's failure. On another note, how's Leo?"

"Fine."

"That's it?"

"Last night he said I love you, and I didn't say it back."

"Ouch. You don't, do you?"

"I can't. In that moment, I thought here is a man who's wonderful. He's smart, funny,"

"Treats you like a queen,"

"And he loves me. But I'm still in love with my ex. Ain't that a bitch."

Within the hour, Jess and Nicole flew to New York to investigate the disappearance of an African-American marketing executive, Valerie T. Alston.

"She's forty-two years old, her daughter's almost grown; who's to say she's not on some clandestine break with a boyfriend?" Nicole asked, overlooking the city as it faded beyond recognition.

"Well, her daughter claims she doesn't have one. But if my husband of nineteen years passed away two and a half years ago, I wouldn't want my daughter to know either. Then there's work, she's worked with some high profile people…"

"…And the current project with Baby Phat must have given her some exposure. I'd rule out the underlings, they'd be too busy sucking up in hopes of a promotion to do this."

"You think she was kidnapped?"

"No, I just think she doesn't want to be found. But if she was, a rival would have the motivation to do it." Nicole stopped talking, when Jess had a vision. She was so accustomed to the pale face, slightly tremoring hands and dazed expression that she could roughly predict when she would come out of it.

"And we have…"

"A magician in a black cloak, a masked face…green eyes. I could hear her voice, she was pleading, but I couldn't see her."

"Begging or reasoning?"

"Reasoning. She said; _you don't have to do this if you don't want to, think about it, think before you act, have caution_. And then the magician tossed dice in the air which turned into snake that was then swallowed."

"Green-eyed magician swallows snake. We have all the fun."

"Tell me about it." Jess replied, "You said something about a rival?"

"Well there's one in particular with a motive. Emiliana Villada, also an executive, has worked closely with her since 2005. But it's Valerie who landed the Baby Phat account, therefore giving her an edge. If she's the competitive, Type A personality I expect to find in her field; Emiliana will have to outdo her on every count to level the playing field."

"So she can't kill her; she'll just make her disappear for a while, take over the project and be the one to present it. That correlates with the lack of emotion I felt in the vision, I didn't get that feeling of urgency; I don't think she's in danger."

"Let's hope you're right."

"Then again, if she doesn't want to be found; that would mean she's hiding, but why?"

"We should bring in the daughter, find out what she knows."

"If anything. According to school records, she came to New York six months after her mother she did and the NYPD transcript from her interview couldn't be more defensive. High-flying working mom and formerly estranged daughter don't sound like the best of friends."

"Check this out; for the past four months Valerie received calls at home twice a week from Dalvin St. John, and there's a standing order of 500 fortnightly payments to his account."

"But no record of her contacting _him_ from home."

"Sounds like he found _her_ to begin with and wants to keep it that way."

"Or he's someone she doesn't want anyone to know about."

A combination of guilt and fatigue drew Jess into a pool of her own thoughts surrounding her inability to connect with Leo. She couldn't understand why she was sabotaging a good thing when she had no intention to hurt him but wouldn't give herself a chance to love him. What she needed was closure; accepting that Colin wasn't coming back, at least not to her, would free her of the hesitation and allow her to share with someone else. Luckily, she couldn't foresee how soon she would eat her words and discard her rational decision.

Nicole noticed her friend's uncharacteristic aloofness and put the case aside.

"Don't hold your tongue. Spill."

"I thought you had everything you wanted in D.C. and - don't think I'm not happy for you because I am - but I never thought you'd give up everyone else who cares about you, just to be with him."

"Everyone who cares for me knows I'd never do that, especially you. If I had everything, why didn't I know what was missing until he came? I'll see you in the morning."


	2. Torn Today, Gone Tomorrow

**College starts soon so I wanted to update in anticipation of a long period of study and little recreational writing (I'll try my best.) Please enjoy.**

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If Jess had initially feared the growing separation between Nicole and herself, it was becoming more of a reality each day as a physical distance came through in their work. Whenever they didn't see eye to eye neither would stoop to juvenile bickering, instead the "bigger person" would voluntarily leave to clear the air. This morning that was Nicole. Having noticed a pattern in the time and duration of calls and, curious to find out whether the magician was Valerie; skilled at keeping secrets, or Dalvin; who made her disappear, she lead the impromptu search of Valerie's home within an hour of waking up. After sifting through her personal records, she found past MetroCard receipts for the subway and a birth certificate of Brian Noah Alston, 1987.

While Nicole followed her thread of information to the New York Vital Records Office, Jess had ruled out their first suspect and was interviewing Valerie's daughter, Kimberly. This process went by noticeably faster with Nicole around as their system of passing the verbal ball, asking questions from each others' cues and the contrasting layers of intimidation and concern to break potential suspects had come to be both efficient and fun. The absense reminded Jess of the inevitable; she was losing her partner for good and these times would go from far and few between to non-existent.

"Like I said at the station; as competitive, driven and overworked as my mom is, I'm know she wouldn't leave me. Especially for a man. Her guilt wouldn't let her."

"Is that guilt from the six months you spent apart?"

"After my dad passed, she got a job out here to pay for his hospital bills. I understood that, but it was too soon."

"To move away?"

"To move on. I asked her to stay because I wasn't ready. She didn't. So I moved in with my aunt Ursula who she can't stand; just to spite her I guess. If you love someone you should consider their feelings right?"

"Right." Jess replied with a slight trace of bitterness, before she slid a photograph of Dalvin St. John across the table. "Do you recognise this man?"

A nondescript gaze was changed by a flash of recognition. "Yeah. He's cute, that's what I thought when I saw him."

"When was that?"

"About six months ago, the weekend before Thanksgiving. He asked for Mom but she was out getting tickets to fly back to Atlanta. I haven't seen him since. It was weird, I asked if he wanted to wait, come back or leave a number, but he didn't want her to know he'd been there at all."

"Did you tell her?"

"No, I forgot about it…until now."

"You're sure that was him?"

"Positive. Agent Mastriani, is she in danger?"

"I can't say."

"If she is, please help her. I know we've had our moments and we've both been selfish and prond but I need to know that she's alright."

"We'll do our best."

"You paged?" Jess joked, joining Nicole in their temporary office. Layed out on the table were a high school yearbook, a file from the Local records bureau, a laminated promotional flyer, a registration form, photocopies of a driver's license and a student I.D. card and the birth certificate she had found earlier. "What's all this?"

"Visual aids."

"Talk about evidence, did you sleep last night?"

"Just doing my job."

"About last night…"

"Forget about it. So anyway; this is Dalvin St. John. He's a 20-year-old student of York College, Jamaica, Queens and the only child of Reverend Lucas St. John and Genevieve St. John of Decatur, Georgia. His father preaches at one of those mega churches with thousands of churchgoers, drives a Lexus. Date of birth: February 7th 1987. Date of adoption: February 12th, same year."

"So who is he?"

"Brian Noah Alston, son of Valerie and the late Rashad Alston."

"He came to college out here, so I'm guessing moved to here to find her. He knows where she lives; so he probably has. But why would he kidnap his own mother?"

"She knows how to keep a secret and she's been paying him a thousand dollars a month; child support or hush money?"

"This is where you tell me it's the latter and then, go into a cynical rant about weak family ties, fallible people and how nothing surprises you anymore."

"I could. But I'd rather tell my _brave_ partner to watch her step. Besides, I've been thinking about your vision; the absense of colour, the art of illusion and the swallowed snake. They all point to lies and duplicity."

"And control. If he's the magician the he has the power; the magician holds all the secrets and has something unknown or unexpected up their sleeve."

"Unknown to others. If she's been paying him to keep quiet thus far then now's the time he's going to let the truth out."

"Or he thinks he will but by doing so it's just another lie he's swallowed."

"Exactly. Poor guy, I don't think he knows that yet. I heard you cleared Emiliana Villada."

"I don't think someone who spent Christmas at the office with her to meet the new Year's deadline has reason to kidnap her. Or have her kidnapped. They spend at least sixty hours a week together."

"Right. What did Rashad die of?"

"Acute leukaemia."

"Damn. You never know how much time you have left."

"No, you don't."

"Jess, I know I took you by surprise but I can't live in stalemate; I need change, progression, something new to fight for."

"Well, I hope when it's it's time for me to settle down I'll think of how it affects everyone, not just myself."

"I didn't think it was possible for you to sound as selfish as my mother."

"Maybe she's right."

"Maybe you should stop believing all is fine as long as I'm what everyone needs me to be. After being without Colin, I thought you of all people would understand."

"Yes, we're not together and it sucks. Yes, I'd rather be with him than without him. I know you don't want to be alone but,"

"Commitment. To feel worthy in a relationship, both people need to feel chosen; wanted for themselves and no one else. So I chose him, I said yes and I meant it. When its your time _I_ hope you won't feel torn apart by people you love in the process."

A heavy silence held both women in a static mode where the tension diffused throughout the room like a foul smell. Neither said anything; no words of apology or provocation were uttered, their defences spoke for them. This was one of those arguments where neither wanted to be right, because being right confirmed what was feared the most. The uncertainty of whether this was a passing phase they would get through before time ran out increased the strain Nicole felt under; as though unity with one was estrangement from the others. She couldn't have it all and an attempt to diminish one barrier tore down many pillars she had come to lean on.

She cleared her throat and switched the conversation back to work. "The MetroCard computer system tracks the stations its user goes through because they swipe at every barrier. For the past four months, Valerie has been from Lexington Avenue where she works, to Jamaica on the F train westbound despite living near Elmhurst Avenue off Broadway where she has to take the R train southbound."

"Regular visits, standard order to his account and _she_ never calls him; bribery. If he's not running this show, then who is? I hate inconclusive cases."

"Jess, it's only noon. We have several leads to follow so give yourself a break. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

"You're really uptight these days. Hey, I have a Junior Agent running security tapes from Dalvin's dorm and Jamaica subway station so we have about an hour or two to wait for visual evidence. Lunch?"

"Sure. About yesterday; how do you know he's what's missing?"

"I've never had a love so fulfilling, a love tests my boundaries and keeps me coming back for more. You were right; the inner-city foster girl grew up to have everything, but what's left bar us being together? It's the answer."

"To what question?"

"What makes life better."

"We don't want to lose you Nic. Pollock's going out of his mind trying to find someone to fill your space because he can't. You think your mom is unsupportive but she's distraught over this, she really wants to keep you near and _I_ don't think you understand how it will be when you're gone."

"Different."

"Irreversible."

The tensions between Nicole and Jess, Pollock and nina came from the same source; she had inadvertently dirsturbed the fragile equilibruim that had formed over the past three years. No previous estimation could measure how those close to her would feel about the loss of her presense and the helplessness of not being able to stop it, prolong the time they had together or change her mind. Gravitating towards the new stage in her life had and would hurt them, but the the pull was stronger than her will to stay. They each stood in conflict to protect the present from the future. My agent, my daughter, my friend. Each bond coupled with a possessive desire to maintain itself as it was, yet threatened by and opposed to being overpowered by Antonio. If Jess could see into her friend's thoughts she would see that the only place she wanted to be was where he was, that last night was the first in a while she had spent alone and not by choice.

Thoughts of him entered her mind with great frequency while he was away and the epiphany she had arrived at told her it wasn't enough; she didn't want just his voice on the phone, she wanted him around. But that was selfish, her conscience replied. That was why she didn't protest when he was called to Boston for a national security research project. Despite the distance and doubt, she encouraged it. She ate her words of encouragement with regret but didn't let him know it; he had to do this for him and she wasn't going to stand in his way. She recalled the times her pride held her back from him when all he wanted was to be close to her with a new found clarity. They had wasted so much time, then again that's what it took for change to take place. Luckily it wasn't too late to show more to share more and to experience more that life and love had to offer.

"It's hard, but I am happy for you. I mean that." Jess expended her selfless energy in saying it.

"I know you do, and it's about to get harder. Greek it is." Nicole said in her elusive tone.

"Wha…?" Jess asked as Nicole left to order in Greek takeaway. Curiosity made her follow Nicole out to the hallway, but her steps became slower as his face came into focus. There was no other that could stir her feelings, old and new, and bring them to the surface like he had in that short moment.

"_Colin_?" Her mind asked but her mouth couldn't say. Instead she gazed in another direction and sensed him walking over to her.

"Jess, hear me out?"

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**BTW I plan to reintroduce Antonio, wrap up this case and go back to D.C. in the next chapter and possibly a love scene or two...but that would be telling. Please R&R.**


	3. Unresolved Emotion

Hey I know it took a while but I don't rush it; I want it to be the best for everyone who reads it. Instead of thanking you, I'll promise to deliver every time and hope you enjoy it. Yes, Colin is back and will continue to appear but you'll have to read to find out how. In the meantime, love on and peace to the peaceful.

- Unbridled "Slowly but surely removing the shackles that anchor and limit the..." Mind

What she didn't know but was about to learn was; sitting down with your ex, regardless of how amicable the break up, was like chewing chalk. At first it seemed like a good idea, but then the taste set in and the coating stuck to your back teeth like the memory; hard to remove and even harder to swallow. She'd had this conversation in her mind to many times to remember, but like always, Colin never gave her the expected so preempting his movements was like predicting her visions, you could and would never be sure. That same lack of security in their relationship was the deal breaker and just thinking about it put her off the thought of restarting their relationship. However, it wasn't reason that joined them together in the first place and right now reason had been chased away by the chemistry that drew them both into each other, sexual tension running rife contained by their dry, serious surroundings.

"I've been thinking of you."

_Really?_ Her facial expression read sans excitement or words.

"After I left, I had the strongest feeling I was wrong; because I was. I know that now."

Jess held the bare, unreadable expression, she knew it made his explanation harder and partially enjoyed that.

"I realised I didn't give you any choice in it and you deserved so much more than that. So much more of me. I want you to be happy."

Jess broke her silence. "I want the same for you."

"With me, Jess. I want you to be happy with me, that's why I hoped you were waiting."

"I _am_ waiting. I'm waiting for someone I can build with, love and never give up on. I tried to forget how much you meant to me and how much loving you hurt me."

"I never set out to do that, you know me. And for the record; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I can't commit to you with our lives like this."

"It's okay, I understand; and that's why we're not together anymore. Why did you hope I would wait?"

"So I could have another chance to say I still love you and…there's no one who makes me want to be a better man like you do."

"Wow. I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll think about it, us, what we could be."

"I will."

Nicole's knock and entrance cut off the conversation.

"Jess, we made a breakthrough, we need you. Hi Colin."

"Nicole. We'll finish up later, right?" He asked.

"Right." Nicole answered for Jess and pulled her away, eager for news. "What'd he say?"

"A lot of things." Jess replied evasively.

"One being the reconciliation of your romantic drama."

"I do not have drama."

"Have you forgotten the incident with Leo? And now you're thinking about getting back with Colin. Girl, you've _got _drama."

"Okay, so I have. Wait, how do you know he asked me?"

"How long have we been partners?"

"Speaking of that, what've you got?"

"NYPD located Dalvin St. John, dropped him and found that he has nothing to do with her disappearance."

"You're kidding."

"Get a load of this; he definitely has abandonment issues but isn't well connected enough to make this happen, and that's where his friend comes in; Danica Slange, 23, had a few arrests for credit fraud and befriended Dalvin a few months ago."

"Around the time he started getting payments from Valerie?"

"Exactly. She's the known girlfriend of Philip Dumont, a personal banker for Financsense Savings and Loans and guess whose account he manages?"

"Valerie's, but in that case he can access Dalvin's details by computer or through the form for the standing order. So we know who's behind this, Danica and Dumont."

"_Slange_ and Dumont; _slange_ meaning snake in Norweigan. She's the snake in your vision."

"She lured him into confiding in her about his mother to confirm who he was and now they want money, right?

"You got it. They want twenty thousand dollars, from Dalvin's pocket not Valerie's so the hustle can't be traced back to them, luckily they don't have the psychic edge we do."

"Very funny. Then where is Valerie?"

"You heard _caution_, like the signs on a construction site. I cross referenced that with _think before you act_ and _snakes_. Act, like in a theatre and, snakes are deaf. As for the swallowed snake; I thought of gullibility and innocence; children. Drum roll please,"

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Fine; at the corner of _Green_ Street and _Seesaw_ Avenue you'll find what used to be the National Children's Deaf Society Theatre. Cue applause."

"Then why did you wait?"

"Watching you squirm in your seat was worth it. That Colin still knows how to push your buttons; just try not to jump him in the office. You know; protocol."

One rescue, two arrests and a concluded case within twenty four hours gave both women a content dispostion for different reasons; Jess planned to stay in New York until the next morning to work things out and get the fresh start or healthy closure she needed to move on. Nicole speed-wrote her report from the end of the bust to the end of her flight back to D.C. wearing the ring she once saw as a suffocating noose. It was now a symbol of something old and something new merged together but better than before. And she was smiling. Smiling in anticipation of her return to a place that they had literally and figuratively built together. A place she would soon have to leave but at the same time was a part of her she would take on every journey from now on. A place that was, was nothing but, and felt like; home.

Homecoming brought on a sweet feeling as her personal life resumed and work life paused with the opening of the door. The two worlds often overlapped, but not inside; they didn't talk about the bureau and its duty after they left the office. It was here that they had laid the foundations of their new relationship as though every other time was a trial and error they had used to learn how to make it better. Seeing him in her home didn't grate like it would have before, in fact he was written on every wall, with a presence that stayed on even when he didn't. And she loved it. She loved having someone to talk to, who didn't leave unless you asked them to and still talked their way back in, who understood all that he could of her and let her love him in her own unconventional way. She would never be a Stepford wife or the consummate mother but that didn't devalue what she felt for him or make it any less legitimate. It was as though together they were rewriting love for every couple who doesn't dream the traditional and strive to emulate it, everyone who dares to love as they are, not as they're told to be; only changing to give, not lose, more of themselves to someone who processed their love as it was and didn't shape it.

"Your mom called." His voice carried from the kitchen as he stood with one hand over the phone receiver, while she hung her blazer next to his. She presumed he was having the same argument with the delivery company he had a few days before, and a few days before that. It made her remember that she only had three weeks to the wedding and less than six to leave this house, and what it represented, and that repressed fact induced an anxiety she didn't want to feel. The same anxiety that sided with everyone else that this was too soon, too huge and…_irreversible_, like Jess said.

_Shake it off Scott, since when has anything ever been easy? _

_But it's hard._

_You lived hard, what's new?_

_Yeah…what is new?_

Ignoring her inner conflict, she took the phone from his hand, hung up and kissed him.

"Forget it, we'll do it ourselves if we have to."

"You, driving a truck for six hours? I can't see that happening."

"I guess you're right. So what did she say?"

"Dinner on Sunday."

"Great." She replied with a twinge of sarcasm.

"Why are you angry at her?"

"It's not her. It's her actions that piss me off."

"Like?"

"Like thinking Sunday dinners will turn us into the Josephs when there's not enough soul food in the world to do that. She's not being honest with me."

"Are you with her?"

"Yes. I don't expect anything from her but she's using me as some mothering crash course to purge her guilt. Forget my job or my friends or even this house, she wants me to stay for her because _I_ can't leave, only _she_ can."

"You don't know that for sure. She'll miss you like she always has."

"It's the same guilt trip she pulled on me before."

"When you were thirteen and she had a habit, and you felt responsible for that. And for her, because you tried to take care of her but you couldn't. That made you feel inadequate; that you weren't enough reason for her to stop and you couldn't depend on her. So now she wants you to need her or her approval and you can't so the least you could do is stay. Is that what you want, to stay?"

"With you; yes. Here? I don't know."

"Will you marry me?"

"Haven't we already done that part?"

"I mean it, will you? I don't want you to have any doubts about it."

"About it; no. Surrounding it? Sort of."

"What about you?"

"I'm just tying up some emotional loose ends. I'll get there. Like I said, of course I'll marry you."

"In the dress you haven't found yet, she told me."

"Let me worry about that. Besides, how's your mom dealing with our big, fat, secular wedding?"

"Better than before, she hasn't said _equally yoked_ since we took the FOCCUS test. Now it's why _don't you want to have children?_"

"You meaning me. Like I told her,"

"You don't trust yourself as a mother even though everyone, including me, knows you'd be great and, you're scared you'll become someone you're not or don't want to be."

"You said you wouldn't hold that against me."

"I don't. I wish you'd believe the opposite but I can't force your hand, you have to want it for you before you can with me.

"I love you."

"You love her too, so work it out before we go. Please."

"I'll try."

"No!" Colin exclaimed in response to Nicole and Antonio's engagement.

"Believe it. Shock was my reaction when she told me."

"So they live together?"

"Yep, her place."

"So there _is_ an alternate universe?"

"Apparently."

"I guess they finally figured it out. Is that what you wanted from me, horse and carriage?"

"No but I didn't get a chance to find out if I could have."

"Say, hypothetically; I'm the one you're waiting for. Where do we stand?"

"If it's you, I hope one day it'll happen for us."

"And if it's not?"

"Then you set the bar really really high, Colin. And I thank you for that. We made our choices, and we should have people in our lives we can make choices with not around."

"What are you saying?"

"Even if I wanted to be with you. I know I'll have to wait a lifetime for that to happen."

"So you'd rather opt out completely, not even try?"

"You broke up with _me_. Don't forget that."

"I can't; that's why we're here. Do you still love me?"

"Not the way I used to. The truth is I'll always love you and remember how you changed my life but right now… we can't."

"Because you've found someone else?"

"He's not the reason."

"Do you know what it did to me, to have to leave you?"

"You ever thought of what it did to me?"

"Are you happy with him?"

"He's great, he really is."

"You didn't say yes."

"How can I answer that when I'm here with you, knowing I haven't let him in? He deserves a chance with me and I don't want to end it prematurely; look at us."

"I can't change the past and I don't know how to make you understand that you're the one. The only one worth giving this up for."

"I'm honoured to hear that, to know that, and I don't blame you for anything. But for now, I guess I'm free."

That night Nicole was caught in warm kisses, symbols of intimacy that held her in the moment and held her closer to him. As if time could prolong these moments and they could live in this ecstatic refuge where her fingers crept along his back, pausing to rest then resuming their dance of reassurance, and their bodies found a way to get rid of space creating a pleasurable proximity. Neither wanted to be alone, both wanted to be needed and having sex and making love at the same time gave a more moving way to express it. Where pretence was lost and guards were down their truth emerged; she would always be his weakness and he had strength enough to break through her defences. Their love left etchings all over them, covered them in peace for a while and put them both to a satisfied sleep.

Meanwhile Jess took the jet and found herself still awake at home after three. Writing up her report she tried not to think about what she had just done, but it was a issue she couldn't avoid fixating over. Was she just afraid of loving Colin again because love transfers power and she'd at risk of being hurt again? Did she feel she could grow to love Leo and benefit from the qualities she'd seen and those she was sure laid underneath? Finishing her report without the peace to sleep, she stayed up restlessly pondering; not knowing whether she had made the right decision and wishing for clarity.


	4. Hear My Cry Part I

Hey...once again, I've decided to break Nicole apart and explore some of those often hinted at but never fully discussed themes that are central to her character. Originally this chapter was supposed to be long but I'd rather break it down and give each relationship its full attention. Enjoy, relate and review.

* * *

Finishing an expense report during a quiet afternoon at the office was a peacefully mundane task Nicole was used to. She didn't forsee the drama she would have to deal with pertaining to her mother less than three hours later. Two weeks, four days and counting to the wedding, she found herself in the same dressing room, with the same surly shop assistant and the same descendance of anxiety as she tried on one dress after another. Of course, she was masking it. She had learnt not to show fear or worry a long time as, fretting over the inevitable wouldn't stop the inevitable from taking place. Growing up on a solid diet of sporadic violence and constant fear of abuse had hardened her; she recalled crying as a child and the emptiness that came from the lack of response. _Dry your tears and get on with it _was a foster child's mantra, especially when there was reason to; but her mother didn't know that a well of tears were still buried inside her child and somewhere in all its irrationality, Nicole wished she had the intuition to hear it. 

"Can you believe Pollock? A hearing? That's the only way you can stay here?" Jess exclaimed.

"Actually I can. After the words "thinly veiled romantic spectacle" stopped ringing in my ears, I got over it."

"So that's why you're leaving; because your boss won't let you be together and keep your jobs at the same time?" Nina enquired, still sifting through ivory dresses Nicole wouldn't wear.

"No. Well...partially. Besides, his authority is undermined every time I come in with _this_ on my finger. Apparently, endogamous relationships put people at risk."

"Apparently nothing." Her mother scoffed.

"Not to mention she's a legend. The past three years have seen Pollock on a winning streak and he's reluctant to let that end; if he loses her, things won't be how they used to." Jess' summary was unheard by Nicole who had "checked-out" as Antonio called it. The expression accounted for the times when she went inside herself and couldn't be reached; a combined act of introspection and withdrawal induced by her awkwardness, inadequacy or a trigger from her past.

"You got that right." Nina replied. "What's on your mind? Nicole?"

"I was just thinking. Leaving the Bureau or leaving D.C., either way I'm letting go of something meaningful."

"Would you leave, voluntarily?" Jess asked.

"No. If I don't fight for it; it's not worth having. Walking is not an option."

"And leaving the state is?" Nina's question went unanswered as Nicole sized a dress from the rack.

"_This_ is the dress."

What was supposed to be the ultimate mother-daughter bonding moment in one word, wasn't. Without thinking, Nicole had asked her mother to unzip it after marvelling at herself in it for while, but as the zip descended Nina saw more and more of the scars that graced her lower back. Butterfly stitches had left them risen off her skin, traceable by fingertips but not visible under thinly fabricated clothes. All this time, Nina had wanted to tear down the wall that kept them apart, to understand the code that Nicole used to translate how she felt into what she allowed herself to express. She wanted her daughter, not an Agent or the closely-guarded enigma who stood in front of her, but the first glance of this raw truth was too much for her to take. Standing back from the mirror, Nicole was more in focus; the pieces of a broken child coated in layers of self-invention, rebirth and choice with the marks to show the former. Nicole quickly stepped out of the dress and put her clothes on, with her mother in temporary paralysis. She spoke as much as she moved; not at all, and couldn't bear to lock eyes with her daughter. Nicole, unfazed, paid for the $2800 wedding gown and invited them both to coffee. Nina declined.

"So you're not going to talk about it?" Jess asked while sipping on a blended iced mocha.

"When the time comes Jess."

"I think you should be open with her and let her know what you went through."

"There are things I can't even recall, let alone talk about or trust with anyone."

"It remains a big part of who you are and what motivates you Nic. Isn't that part of her getting to know you?"

"A journey to the past is not the easiest to make but I hear you. We'll talk about it when the time comes. Speaking of the past..." Nicole hinted.

"It's just that. The past. I mean, what if Leo's the one and I let him go?"

"Is it fair to stay with him because he's the safe alternative?"

"It's not just that. I could fall in love with him."

"Leo?"

"Colin. I could marry him."

"Colin?"

"Leo."

"I know he's the type to take home to meet Mom, the man who spoils you, who makes you feel safe; but you'll never stop wanting that risk, that challenge, even that man until you know he's worth what it takes to make something beautiful. _That_ is the one. Why are you thinking about the one anyway?"

"I'm twenty-six, I should have some idea of what I'm looking for,"

"I'm thirty-seven, what does that say about me, huh? Don't live for the age-old template Jess, live for you. Define your own happiness. Anyways, you should enjoy all this attention, on the love front it's been a good year."

"A good year?"

"You had a break up, you put the whip appeal on Jack, then you met Leo the gentleman and now Colin wants you back. You've got the power, use it."

"I'll miss your terrible influence Nic." A ringing cellphone broke the conversation, before she answered it Nicole told her:

"Yes, you are free for dinner tonight. Dancing too."

Early Summer evenings like this were warm enough for contemplation and cool enough to be alone without feeling lonely. One hand wrapped around a wine glass, the other holding a Jamaica Kincaid novel, she laid on the couch doing neither. The ambience of John Coltrane's A Love Supreme album took over her being and left her at a conclusion. Life is jazz, moving and powerful yet confusing and hard to decipher, she was one of many looking for meaning and listening for direction ruled by both conscious thought and intuition. Changeable, beautiful and never still, such was life; jazz, waiting for interpretation. She waited for the '96 Stellenbosch Chardonnay to take its effect, take her to another place but there was one thing clogging up her mind; her parents.

A while back her mother had offered some form to explanation. Some. Learning of the events that lead up to her father's murder didn't provide any relief, just that novocaine feeling one gets when they separate the truth from themselves, as though it no longer applies or matters. But it did. It served in confirming her fears. Marriage had turned a lovestruck young couple into a deceased abuser and and ex-convict; that was too simple. Studying in Chicago, her Grenadian father at twenty-two had met her mother, then eighteen, while he lodged at a house in the same neighbourhood. The smartly-dressed, smooth talker carried himself as proudly as he carried his heritage. Through his thick accent came the most persuasive and articulate rhetoric she had ever heard, when she bothered to listen. He was a sight to look at; infatuation at first sight perpetuated every time she saw him. To begin with he was the perfect rebellion; the thrill of sneaking in late at night was the best response to an unknowing yet formidable mother who ruled with a iron fist and literally and figuratively bible-bashed her children into submission.

Within a year, infatuation had progressed to sex, unholy sex, that caused a shotgun wedding in September 1969. Nicole Simone was born seven months later. The financial strain and familial pressure wore off the novelty; they were trapped in a marriage; husband and wife but not really. Stress, control and patriarchy filled their home; humble dwellings bursting at the seams with the tension, neither was where they wanted to be. She just wanted to have a good time. He wanted progression they couldn't achieve together. So down they fell further into an abyss of resentment and anger, often landing in violence. Gone were the good times where reponsibility was a thing of the future. Reality struck blows they couldn't recover from and not even their innocent child could save them the wreck that their marriage became. Christmas of 1972 was bittersweet; his brother Augustus visited and from their hushed conversations came Nina's amnunition.

Raymond, (_that was his name, they say you shouldn't trust a man whose first and last names are both surnames_) under the advice of his brother, intended to move back to Grenada with Nicole in tow. That was the ignition. Nina was boiling water but that revelation sent her over the edge, steaming in rage. Solicitation preceded infidelity. Ironically, she lost her daughter to the system, not her husband. From this recount Nicole deduced that marriage isn't the monster, we're all potential monsters regardless. That was the inherent monster but the planted one put her off having children. To say she didn't trust herself understated a strong fear of becoming a perpetrator not just a victim of abuse. If her father's temper was anything to go by... The door bell rang. It couldn't be Antonio but to God she wished it was.

"Like I told you, we'll never get anywhere if you don't trust me. I want to know how you got those scars."

"No."

"I need to know where this pain comes from, to understand."

"Fear. Perpetual fear so deeply rooted in me, I thought I'd never break free. I have but those memories stay with me. Memories of each foster home, worse than than the last."

" How? How was each worse than the last? You always say that."

"Each showed me something new about the depths of human cruelty. It's limitless. I was defenseless, acclimatised, always ready for it. Or waiting. Maybe it was knowing I couldn't stop it and it wouldn't stop on its own. When I left,"

"You vowed not to let anyone hurt you again right?"

"Wrong. I spent three years with an abusive man who _protected_ me. To think he could have been my husband."

"People take for granted how hard it is to leave."

"Harder than it is to stay, that's for sure. I still remember how I felt when they told me I could be with you again. I saw my escape." Her voice cracked on the end of her sentence.

"Instead you found a dead end. Back then I could tell something inside you was missing, now I know you'd lost your innocence. I couldn't understand where the child; it's like you skipped that part and mothered me."

"Just when you were sick." Bitterness rang in her statement.

"Right." She mustered with a pang of pain. "I'd better go."

"Okay." An awkward hug later they stood, eyes locked once again. It was the mother who teared up first.

"Mom,"

"Don't console me Nicole. See you Sunday."

Only when she was alone, reflecting on the cathartic conversation they had shared, did she realise that the damper on her happiness was self-inflicted. Leaving the ones she loved for the unknown was less appealing by the day. She would have to tell him that she needed more time with her mother, more time in this house and more of this life they were already living. She would have to ask him to incur Pollock's wrath just when he thought he was free of him for life. And she did but he was not at all happy.

"You know I'd step out on a ledge for you and I want to be believe that you'd do the same for me. It kills me to know you wouldn't. the whole point of leaving is that there's no pressure, no Pollock and no protocol telling us what we should feel for each other."

"No pressure? You want four kids Antonio. _That_ is pressure and I'm not going to forget about it when it's the truth."

"It's not a crime to want what I want."

"I agree. But who for? You have the master plan to make you happy; your dream wife, job, kids, house and all that you came up with long before you even knew me."

"I don't want you to be happy?"

"I didn't say that."

"What do you want?"

"I want a chance to love you as I am, not what you can make of me."

"You said you would come with me."

"Only because you asked."

"Don't you want a fresh start?"

"We could have that here."

"Yeah right." He retorted with scepticism.

"I mean it."

"Until tonight, you meant something else. How can I rely on that? I'm so tired of your indecision. We'd be so much better of if you..."

"Did everything you wanted me to?"

"...compromised. You know what would happen if we decided to stay; you won't walk and,"

"You _can't_ sacrifice your career for mine. It's not right."

"Stalemate. That's what this is and it doesn't work."

"True. It doesn't work. I don't know _how_ it translates into my caring less for you than you do for me, but it does. I don't want to live like this; with you questionning or having reason to question how much I love you or if I do at all. So I have to show you. Marrying you isn't enough."

"What are you saying?"

"Let's get hanged together."


	5. The Challenge of Choice Part II

**I planned to update soon and here we are. ****Thanks for following thus far. I appreciate it. My main aim is not to make the characters one-note and show some development. Add any suggestions to your reviews and Part 3 of the linked chapter will soon come.**

**- We would know freedom if we ****Unbridled the heart, the mouth and the ****Mind. **

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"That's a bad idea. If it's a question of you or me; you'll be the one who gets fired." Antonio finally replies over breakfast.

"What makes you so sure?"

"Seven offices in eleven years, independence of actions, trouble with authority and, you've broken every rule in the manual."

"So compliance trumps initiative? I've been to several hearings before and I'm still here."

"But for how long? Pollock barely tolerates us being an "us" because it's beneficial, but when the Inspector General turns the heat on him he'll save himself. He only cares about what he can use Nic. He'd gladly sacrifice the two of us for his sake."

"I found my dress yesterday."

"Why change the subject?"

"Humour me. It looks amazing."

"I'm sure it does."

"And I asked myself; why am I getting married? Why am I doing something I said I'd never do? That's when I saw the difference."

"Between what?"

"Living and surviving. When you survive you live for the day but when I'm with you, I live for a million tomorrows. No matter how hard it's been I still want it and I always will."

"So why did you say yes?"

"Because I underestimated how I much had to lose here. Because I let my fear of losing you control me. Now the fear of losing what I have has a hold on me. I'm trying to fight it. If you think moving to Boston is best for us then let's start packing."

"We should...damn it." He said in response to his pager going off. "The jet leaves in an hour." Nicole showed no signs of quick movement. "My sister told me I bring it on myself. According to her I have a type; the greater the challenge, the greater the reward."

"She's right. Doctor, District Attorney, _Superwoman_. It's the thrill of the chase and the reward is fabulous."

"I want the assurance that everything we go through _is_ worth it, that history won't repeat itself. I don't want to get divorced."

"I know. You've got to believe in me."

"So do you. You have to believe in yourself too."

"How did we get from marriage to babies in one swift move?"

"Humour me. Think about it."

"I have. The Bureau's no place to raise a kid. Besides, abused kids are more likely to become abusive adults...and parents."

"I trust you not to do that. Why'd you always think the worst?"

"I don't know. Maybe I brace myself because I'm used to getting by."

"Instead of getting what you deserve."

"It took having you in my life to learn that."

"You know all I want to do is…"

"…give me everything I deserve whether I'm aware of it or not." She said, repeating what he told her when he proposed. "Yes I do know."

Antonio smiles to himself. "I'm glad you remembered. Just think about it, okay?"

Nicole rolled her eyes knowing that she already was.

Pollock took the smile off his face in the parking lot. At times, his aura alone could be vacuum the joy from anyone.

"Funny how you both arrived here at the same time in the same car. As though you deliberately came together to tell me something…perhaps to provoke me?"

"That's because we did. Sir." Antonio replied sharply.

"Hostage situation now, career suicide later Agent." Pollock rebutted, handing them each a folder." Greg Osorio, Guatemalan stockbroker turned Senior VP of Chicago's third leading investment banking company. You have sixteen hours to get him out. Don't embarrass me more than you already have." Antonio shot Nicole a look that read, _I told you so_.

"Still waiting on a ransom?" Nicole asked Jess who was the most up to date.

"Yeah, thus far their only requests have been food and a portable DVD Player. I don't know why." Jess yawned, having slept little and flown to Chicago before most people even get to work in the morning.

"A technician would know their location by whichever mains they used and, it's standard procedure to disconnect electricity and water. Sounds like you took my advice."

"We went to Chase last night. Good food, good conversation and then we headed back to my place around two."

"Sounds like you got what you wanted; to go out like normal people."

"I don't have _those_ feelings for him."

"Because he's not Colin?"

"Because he's different. I was worried that I wouldn't see him for himself and I'd keep comparing them but I don't. What we have doesn't and probably won't match up to what I had before, because it's not supposed to. It's a blank page with its own possibilities. Anyway, how'd it go with your mom?"

"There are some things a mother never wants to hear Jess. She was pretty tore up last night. I don't feel too good either."

"It's got to be good for your relationship though."

"Thanks." Silent for a while. "You think I'd be a good mother?"

"That's left-field."

"I know, just be honest."

"Yes, I do. Why, has Antonio finally broken you down?"

"Very funny."

"Are _you_ thinking about it?"

"Somewhat."

"How it was isn't how it will or has to be; you're living proof of that."

"If I have to hear how I've beat the odds one more time…"

"You underestimate your capacity to love; you've killed for Antonio, you're devoted to Kelly and Ethan and, you still protect Jasmine. You don't have to. It all means something but you don't believe it. I don't understand that."

"I really wish I did. I want to believe. I just…"

"Why do I always miss the best part?" Antonio asked.

"Bad timing." Nicole replied.

"Your angry vein is throbbing." Jess asked Antonio. "What did he say?"

"Just a short burst of criticism to start the day. The girlfriend is behind this."

"What makes you so sure?" Nicole asked.

"It's not new; a rich, recently-divorced, middle-aged man hooks up with a woman twenty-five years his junior. She gets to know him, sets him up and plays the dutiful, sobbing girlfriend while extorting his hard-earned cash. Listen to this." He read from the police interview transcript. "_If I was digging for gold, I would have married him first. If anything happens to him, the money goes to his ex-wife and kids anyway. To accuse me is just ridiculous when I have nothing to gain._"

"Impressive. I still think this is linked to business, maybe he did some shady deals in the past that have come back to haunt him." Jess reasoned.

"I agree with Jess."

"Why?"

"First of all, sixteen months is not _recently_ divorced. All the information we have is on who he is now but we don't know how he rose to the top. Even if it was by honourable means, he has powerful friends and people in power scratch each other's backs."

"His known associates outside of business are Councillors, Aldermen, the Mayor and Chief of Police Julius Carmichael." Antonio informed them.

"We have an in. I know him." Nicole said casually and picked up her jacket.

"In the meantime, I'll relish in the fact that no-one's missing." Jess' quip made Antonio smile. "We should get down there and see what damage Chicago P.D. has done."

"I'll work on infrared and tapping the phone lines. They have to use PDA or else they're complete morons."

"Give me an hour; I'll let you guys know what I find."

On the other side of town, Nicole employed an old contact. Back when she was still relatively unknown in the Bureau, she dated a cop for a brief stint. What ended the short-lived relationship was the mutual dishonesty; she concealed her career and he hid his wife. Ten years had passed, she became a Special Agent and he was now Chief of Police in the city that housed their unintentional affair.

"When I heard Nicole Scott wanted to see me I was…pleasantly surprised."

"I bet." She stared at a photograph of his family.

"What can I do for you?"

"Tell me everything you know about Greg Osorio."

"Now you know I can't do that. That would upset a lot of people."

"You can and you will. Consider it a favour. Remember the favours I did for you back when we were friends? _That_ would upset a lot of people."

"They trust me."

"_Who_ does? Considering that time is money and I _really_ don't like you in that chair."

"Certain individuals who entrusted me with valuable information…"

"…and helped you into that shiny, leather chair. Italian leather, am I right?"

"You always had expensive taste. I'm sworn not to breathe a word of it to anyone."

"I'm not here for your testimony. FTC will take care of that. I'd like those files; my team will handle the rest."

"By cooperating with you, I presume I'm no longer in the firing line?"

"Only a fool presumes Julius. The files?"

Nicole found Jess and Antonio at the scene in full gear.

"You're going in without me?" She asked.

"We might have to. The ransom arrived; they plan to _kill the corporate puppet_ and reveal "corporate tricks" if their demands aren't met. The Mayor is pushing for the police charge in on a shoot-to kill detail. " Jess filled her in. "They're stonewalling us and only want us here for sideline security and show."

"They've cordoned off everywhere within a mile radius." Antonio explained. "The cause is threat of terrorism. What'd you find?"

The team left the chaos of the crowd and the scope of media outlets for the cramped space in their van. The infrared monitor showed four moving bodies and one inactive one on the third floor of the abandoned building. There were eight escape routes on the floor alone, not to mention the roof, the fire escapes and the basement. Julius Carmichael needn't have worried about Nicole revealing old secrets as the captors intended to do that and sacrifice Greg Osorio in the process.

He made Senior VP seven years ago however his predecessor, Stanley Wells, made a bad decision that could cost a lot of influential people, their jobs and reputations. An insider traded a tip for a share and Wells took it. The tip made the company seventy million dollars profit in the first month, raising its profile. The share however, funded a RICO operation specialising in human trafficking. An radical advocacy group threatened to expose the company worldwide, only agreeing to a media blackout when Wells stepped down. Osorio worked as an MD for a rival company in Philadelphia until he was offered that post. They wiped all records of the share, misquoted their profits and used Osorio to clean up the mess after the botched deal as a new face of the company. Everyone involved wiped their hands clean of it and carried on as usual in a conspiracy of silence. Rumours of a subsidiary company funding the same operation had provoked the group to take drastic action.

"I don't have any records of his involvement so either he's lucky, smart or he's innocent."

"Wow." Jess exclaimed. "We have to take control of this or the police will and he'll die. I'll call Pollock. We'll need to inform the Governor of Illinois and, a HRT for negotiation with the advocacy group…"

"They grow up so fast don't they?" Nicole jested with Antonio in reference to Jess' evolution.

"This is amazing work."

"The information's always out there, we just have to find it."

"About this morning,"

"Bizarre timing, but go on."

"I know you don't want to give this up and you think you'd have to."

"I don't think; I know. Field work is do or die. That risk and instability will always keep me away when I've got to be there."

"What are we going to do?

"Soon as we get home, I'll look at jobs in Boston."

"But you don't want to go."

"I might have to."

Their conversation was broken by Jess' arrival.

"Pollock's flying in so he can speak to the media when they release the hostage. He also ordered us to go back to D.C. but if we do that, there might not _be_ a hostage by the time he gets here. HR is in negotiations right now but they're up against some major resistance. What's up with you two?"

"Nothing." They said in unison.

Following the release of the hostage, Pollock bathed in the media attention with his signature self-promotion. He didn't speak of the motive behind the hostage situation, clearly honouring his own allies or investing in a future power play. A corporate human trafficking scandal was nowhere to be found on that night's News as the lid on the truth was reapplied, sealing it shut.

Jess went home to find the box of chocolates Leo had left with the porter. The phone stopped ringing as she came through the door. A familiar voice spoke from her answer machine. "If you're there, please pick up. I meant what I said; I love you." She grabbed the cordless phone and said in response, "I love you too Colin." Nicole returned home with the unwavering feeling that something was amiss and it was only when they were watched Dexter, her body curled up against his, unsuccessfully trying to relax, that she realised what it was.


	6. Turning Point Part III

Part 3 is here in record time. The risks I take are hopefully well done and will be explored well enough to be deemed realistic. Thanks for reading, following, reviewing, PMing and encouraging me to keep on keeping on. From this chapter onwards, more resolutions will come about but for now enjoy the ride and...

* * *

"Will you stop pacing? You're freaking me out." She said during the five longest minutes of her life.

He sits on the edge of the bathtub with her and holds her shaking hand. "I can't say I didn't want this to happen."

"Just not like this."

"What if…?"

"Please don't. I don't want to have this conversation."

"Why not? There's no better time than now."

"Because I'm scared, that's why. How much longer?"

"Forty-seven seconds."

"Damn. Everything changes…"

"…In a good way. It's a beautiful thing."

"It is. It's strange; you're the only man I've ever wanted to have a child with, the only man I'd even trust them with and now…"

"It's time."

Her hand shook continually as she read the pregnancy test. _Positive_. A smile creeps across his face while the test falls to the floor. In response to the surge of conflicting emotions that overcame her, she began to cry.

"Good morning Ms. Scott." An attractive young doctor greeted her the morning after.

"Nicole is fine." She'd barely slept that night.

"Nicole. I'm Dr. Nathan Montplaisir. Mr. Scott?"

"Antonio. Cortez."

"I'm sorry, the ring…I assumed."

"We're heathens, soon to be married." Nicole joked. "How far along am I…we…the baby?"

"Seven weeks pregnant. Have you been experiencing any symptoms; morning sickness, fatigue, spotting, light bleeding, nausea?"

"Except around my boss, no." Antonio laughed at her wisecrack and the thought of Pollock's face.

"Can you remember the exact date of conception? It was around early April."

"April second." Antonio replied. "It was your birthday. We spent the long weekend in Tampa Bay, called in sick,"

"…and stayed at the Sheridan. That was a good birthday,"

"I aim to please."

"That's why we're here." She retorted with vagueness; neither happiness nor anger was pronounced clear enough to be read. "About the light bleeding,"

"It's fairly common particularly in the first trimester, during the second week after fertilization. Due to cervical changes, you may experience bleeding after sex due to the increased blood supply…" Nicole tuned out, lost in her thoughts until she heard; "…miscarriage. There's really nothing to worry about. Are you alright Nicole?"

"I'm fine."

"I understand it can be overwhelming for first-time parents, maybe you could go over these pamphlets in your own time. Don't hesitate to call in; I look forward to seeing you both again. Oh…and congratulations."

"You didn't hear a word he said." Antonio suspected on their way to the parking lot.

"Yes I did."

"You checked out."

She exhaled, not in the mood for the third degree. "Where is this going?"

"I want you to be happy, to want this baby."

"I do. Now stop or I'll start crying again and we can't have that."

"You didn't say that you were happy."

"Is that what you want to hear?"

"I want it to be true. What's wrong?"

"Nothing but you know what this means." He finally understood what was bothering her.

"Nic, everything's going to be okay."

She rolled her eyes and got in the car, aware that he had used her trademark phrase but deep down; believing him."

_Sorry_, Nicole mouthed to Jess, as Pollock was grilling her, from the open elevator.

"Seeing as Beatrice and Benedick have stopped frolicking in their Messinian garden for long enough to do their jobs, maybe they can explain their whereabouts. Can you do that?"

"You don't want to know Sir. It will only ruin your _pleasant_ morning disposition." Nicole replied.

Pollock walked away wondering what he had done to deserve this.

"I have something…to do…at the lab." Antonio lied unconvincingly.

"New case?" Nicole asked Jess.

"No. What is it?"

"I'll tell you later. There's something I have to do."

"Okay." Jess said, unsatisfied and resolute to find out soon.

Nicole found Antonio in his office on the phone to his mother, talking excitedly in Spanish, of which she picked up the gist of the conversation.

"I have a mother too you know." She startled him. "You just couldn't wait."

"I didn't know it was a secret. You're getting better." He said in reference to her comprehension. "What's so scary?"

"If the course of someone's life depends on who you are and what you do, what kind of life can I give this baby? _That_ scares me."

He closes the door for privacy and kisses her. "You're so much more than you give yourself credit for. It'll be fine."

He pulls a picture out of the top drawer.

"Do you remember that?"

"Of course I do. Cancun '99, it must have been 100 degrees that weekend."

"I never forgot about you and now we have the chance to be together I can't let it go. I can always find another job and a better paid one at that."

"Already thinking like a father. I'll have to start all over, find a new job."

"You don't have to."

"You know I do."

Nicole arrived at the Tiny Tots Day-Care in Arlington County, Virginia at four that afternoon.

"Is this the man who picked him up?" Nicole asked the guilt-ridden manager after she showed the photograph on her PDA.

"Yes. That's him. I didn't mean to give him to a stranger but the man said he was his father, he even had I.D. It said Evan Harlesden."

"He is his father." Nicole informed her.

"He told me Giselle was running late, which she was, and she'd asked him to pick up Aaron."

"Has Giselle ever mentioned anything to you about Evan?"

"No. She's young, but she's a very good mother and we assumed she was a single parent."

"Is she usually late in collecting Aaron?"

"No. Otherwise she'll call; she works and studies during the day. Her son is her priority; I don't think she has time for much else."

"Did seem agitated or upset?"

"No, he was perfectly calm and handled his son like a natural. I'm sorry, I should've known better."

"You've been very helpful so don't worry, we'll find him."

Back in the Virginia Field Office Jess was interviewing the boy's mother.

"I've been through a lot with Aaron but I never thought anything like this could happen."

"No one ever does. Describe your relationship with Aaron's father."

"I met him during freshman year, we dated and now we have a son. He's eighteen months. I knew it would be hard for me, dropping out at nineteen but just looking at him made want to go back. I have."

"That's great."

"Evan is a good person but he has problems."

"He suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder?"

Giselle nodded. "Sometimes he got so worried he made himself sick, he couldn't sleep and he wasn't taking care of Aaron. So I asked him to leave, eight months ago, to get help. He thought I was punishing him, that I wanted him to lose everything he had. I couldn't take care of them both."

"He hasn't seen his son for eight months. That's got to make him feel unsettled."

"I didn't mean to make things worse for him, but I guess I have. While he was getting treatment I didn't support him; I never called or went to see him. He planned to come home afterwards but I didn't let him. Now this," Giselle's eyes started to water.

Jess found Nicole waiting outside. "Poor thing." Nicole said, handing Jess a blue folder. "Here. Evan Harlesden, 23, was released from the Centre of Cognitive Therapy two months ago. He's been prescribed Buspirone and has two sessions of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy a week. Antonio's downloaded the addresses of his immediate family in the county onto our PDAs and local PD has a BOLO out on his car."

"That's good. Buspirone, the Benzodiazepine?"

"It's a common anti-anxiety drug, used to maintain serotonin levels. I don't think he's much of a risk. He sounds like a man who misses his son. I don't think he'll hurt him but it's your call."

"Why did we get this case anyway?"

"Virginia PD can't spare the cops and it hasn't been 24 hours so the kid isn't officially missing. She's holding it together though."

"Isn't it funny how people would assume that her age would make her less able as mother?"

"What are you getting at?"

"People never know who they can be until they try."

"Does he pay you for this?"

"I know someone like that. She can't see that she's dedicated her whole life to breaking the cycle. We can. If she did she'd know there's nothing to worry about; she's earned a beautiful life and it's up to her to have it."

A few hours later, Evan's car was spotted near his mother's house.

"We're sorry to break up the festivities but we're here for Evan Harlesden."

"Who is?" His sister asked.

"The FBI." They replied holding up their badges.

Evan came to the door, holding his son. "She called the FBI?"

"You took your son without his mother's permission." Jess stated.

"I shouldn't have to ask, she's determined to make it hard for me."

"So you thought you'd persuade her by snatching your son? She's worried sick." Nicole argued. "We'll finish this at the office."

"What was I supposed to do? She won't talk to me."

"Not this. You have rights but can you honestly say you were acting for your son's benefit with what you did today? Come with us." Jess reasoned.

"Are you going to charge him?" Antonio asked Nicole as Jess was in the interrogation room mediating Evan and Giselle. Nicole was holding Aaron on her hip.

"No. He didn't cause any harm. In a way he's misunderstood."

"How'd you figure that?"

"You can't say the law is generous towards fathers in terms of custody. She doesn't have to be with him, but is keeping Evan from his son the right thing?"

"Only she knows that."

"Will you stop looking at me like that? It doesn't take a genius to hold a baby, even one this adorable. I'm glad it's you I'll share this with."

Nicole found Pollock in his office, getting ready to leave.

"Make it fast Agent."

"I will. She's beautiful." She said in reference to the pictures of his four-month-old daughter. "I always wondered what kept me here for so long."

"It's in your blood."

"Is it?"

"You could reach new heights if you gave it time."

"I already have Sir."

"Well, when you get to Boston and meet your new boss; give him hell for me."

"I'm not going away. This is goodbye. I wanted to hand it to you personally."

"Your resignation?"

"Good night John."

Jess watched Nicole pack her things away and deduced what had happened from Pollock's facial expression.

"You said you'd never walk. You love this job!"

"I'm pregnant Jess."

Nicole watched her friend stare at her, transfixed for a while. "You're not kidding."

"No, I'm not. You'll do fine; you're a brilliant Agent and a great friend."

Shock and awe was written all over Jess' face, she wasn't speaking and could barely thinking straight. "Nothing says the same. We all know that. You know where to find me."

If it wasn't for the fact that she knew Colin was waiting for her at her apartment building, Jess was sure she would've crashed her car. Somehow Nicole's leaving the FBI hurt more losing her as a partner. It was so sudden, irreversible and impossible to grasp that it struck her hard in impact and she made the effort to think of something else. She initially came to the FBI striving to be the prototypical Agent; adherent to every rule. Then this gallant force found her at Quantico and they hadn't stopped deviating from the manual since. The reality of the change wasn't easy to take stock of; from then on she would do the job they loved without the person she cared about and knew she could always trust. She had family but only an insider truly understood the life they lived.

She found him talking to the porter and felt the flurry of feelings send her stomach in a spin. As soon as the apartment door was closed, they were lost in their pursuit of each other; one passionate kiss after another and her defences started to fall. She didn't want to guard herself from something that she wanted so much; him and everything he had to offer, but that wasn't enough to keep him there. Outer responsibilities dampened the possibility of their completely letting go and giving in their desires. The kisses lost their fluency and his hold on her was loosened as she pulled away.

The first words on her lips were, "What does this mean?"

"I've missed you." He closes in on her again and this time she didn't fight it. So much so that it took being half-naked to realise that sex wouldn't solve their problems. It would be a satisfying diversion that left her in the same state of mind soon afterwards.

"I'm missed you too. I'm always missing you; that's the problem."

"It's a sacrifice, you understood that when we met. What do you want from me?"

"I want to be important to you."

"You are. I want to be with you again."

"So do I but we can't go back there."

"Then let's move forward."

"How?"

"Move in with me."

"What?"

"You know I'll be away at times, that can't be helped. You want to feel close to me and be an important part of my life, so move in."

"I don't know what to do."

"Think about it. I should go."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"Then stay."

It took almost losing his family for Pollock to give Janice what she wanted; involvement in his life. Even when he rambled or vented for long sessions of complaint, she still felt validated that she wasn't just his wife but also his friend. "I know it'll take some adjustment but it's her right to be a mother. Even in your unit."

"I didn't see it coming. None of it."

"You can't blame them for acting against the stringent regulations they're under."

"Policy is written for a reason; to protect them."

"Who decides that? Didn't you say _amare et sapere vix deo conceditur_?"

"I also said _amantes sunt amentes_."

"My point is; you can't regulate love. Your agents risk their lives, sacrifice everything else that matters and they're supposed to give up the greatest trade-off because a book says so? I hope they're happy together. When did she tell you?"

"She didn't. I tracked them this morning on GPS. I always saw her as my successor."

"Then get her back."

"Are you asking me to use my hard-earned influence to accommodate them?"

"I'm encouraging you to do the right thing. Only you know what that is John."

Somehow things were sinking in much sooner than she had anticipated. Not having a job for the first time in twenty-two years and freed up space of thoughts to run through her mind instead of getting stuck and colliding. The overriding feeling of serenity was real; there she was, sharing a warm bath unaware of time, soothed and lulled by the knowledge that this was their life together and everything was going to be okay.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, kissing her neck.

"Cilantro soup."

"You're not serious."

"What? Your mom's is amazing; I don't know how she does it. Anna knows doesn't she?"

"Yes. Paca told her."

"Little sister with a big mouth. I have one of those, three actually."

The sound of his pager woke her at five a.m., feeling for once what it was like not to be in the FBI vortex.

"I can stay for another hour." He offered.

"No you can't." She kissed him.

"Better yet," He started to caress her, "I could call in sick."

"That's how we got this one. No chance." She kissed him again and tried to go back to sleep, he was halfway through the door when she called after him. "I am happy you know. Unemployed but happy."


	7. You For Me

**Sorry guys. My computer made a crazy error. This is chapter 7. Enjoy.**

* * *

Antonio encountered a strange feeling of déja-vu in reverse during his first day with Nicole at work. The news spread like wildfire and hearing her name as the word on everyone's lips unsettled him. The feeling was something like guilt fused with irritation and clouded his elation about the things he valued most in life finally coming together. Jess isolated herself and thought about her new unknown partner and their future rapport. On her mind was also Colin's proposition.

"Good morning Cinderella." The porter said to her that morning.

"Cinderella?" She asked, in a daze caused by the lack of sleep from spending the night with Colin.

"Prince Charming left this for you." He handed her a small box wrapped in silver paper.

"Which one?"

"The one who needs you the most I suppose."

She opened it in what she thought was a slow morning. A key hanging on a silver chain was inside it.

"What's that?" Antonio asked, surprising her.

"An open invitation. What've we got?"

"Rochester, New York. Adrian Collier, 26, disappeared from his apartment yesterday afternoon which he shares with his boyfriend Tyler King. His sister flew in, the boyfriend picked her up and when they returned he was gone."

Jess gave Adrian's sister, Hailey, a cup of coffee. She "Are you close?"

"As close you can get. He's my twin and my best friend. Whenever I took a risk he encouraged me and believed in me. When Libby, that's my daughter, had her first shots I was too scared to see her in pain so he held her for me. We talk every week. He means the world to me, please bring him back."

"He must have gone to get some dill, we were out."

In another interrogation room, Antonio was interviewing the boyfriend. "Was anything bothering him?"

"No, he was a bit bummed that Libby couldn't come, but overall he was stoked."

"Have you or Adrian ever been assaulted or harassed?"

"I haven't, but then I'm six foot four, 220 pounds and I go to the gym three to five times a week. If Adrian was, I don't think he'd mention it."

"Why not?"

"Because he likes to be cared for but not protected, and he knows I'd go crazy if anyone ever hurt him."

"I know someone like that." Antonio said. "Did he ever talk about his parents?"

"Not often. They let their religion speak for them even when if meant discarding their son. That's why I love Hailey; she loves him unconditionally and me too."

"What've you got?" Pollock asked abrasively from the loudspeaker. Nicole's resignation had put him on edge, he hadn't officially filed it but it was already known. He had spent the last half hour answering the Director and taking a verbal beating for not firing one of them the previous year.

"Possible gay bashing, violence or victimisation." Antonio answered.

"Family?"

"Estranged parents, loving twin sister and boyfriend." Jess responded, knowing they hadn't established means, motive or opportunity and as a consequence, were in for it.

"Alibis?"

"They were together at the time of the disappearance, camera footage from the highway and the airport parking lot confirms that." Antonio replied.

"Run with the homophobic angle, get it done and soon. I assume the lady-killer has checked the apartment." Jess and Antonio looked at each other in amazement as Pollock hung up.

"Doug and I used to be that close. How about you?"

"There was major sibling rivalry between me and Ramón, Francisca was the favourite and I was the middle child. I always wanted to stand out but when I did succeed my parents weren't surprised because they expected that of me."

"I don't mean to pry and don't answer if you…"

"I was fourteen when he died. Ramón was sixteen and Paca was nine. My mom worked herself into the ground to keep the house. Sound familiar?" Jess smiled in response. "That's the parallel between them; unfaltering inner strength. Sometimes I wish we were that close but they know I love them."

"And they're proud of you."

At that moment Nicole called Jess while having her nails done. "You're in Rochester, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's a hold up at a Pick and Pay Supermarket. According to local news, it's reached the nineteenth hour. The kids were released but there's an old guy with diabetes in there."

"You just happened to know this because?"

"Because they need your help and you might kill two birds with one stone."

Knowing that she might spend the night alone, Nicole went to see her mother and have the conversation she'd been dreading to kill time. Getting to know each other required commitment and was a painful and taxing process they would have to go through. Nicole's unpredictability was reconfirmed every time they met as her revelation left her wondering why she wasn't the first to know. Nicole stared at her in silence, not in the mood for an argument and waiting for her to say something.

"Seven weeks, damn."

Tell me about it. My whole life needs rearranging. I don't know whether to go or stay, it's all complicated. I worry. I have self-doubt. I can't pin my feelings down. I should be happy, and I am; but that's not all I feel."

"What I've learnt about you is how you're my child but not my choices. You chose who to be without anyone there to guide you and became an incredible woman regardless. This feeling is only temporary. You'll come around and when you do, you'll find the mom you needed is the mom you'll be."

"You don't have to say that."

"I don't. I mean it though. I can't remember if you ever met your grandma; you don't know how unbearable she was. When she died I was _so_ relieved to be free of her. I don't want you to feel that way. You know what's really pitiful? You've been through all this crap and you were still better off without me."

"Mom, I needed you."

"Don't say that."

"I did. I needed you so badly that when you came in late or high I didn't care; just as long as you were there with me. I'm sorry if you feel shut out, I've had to be alone for so long it's hard to believe you're really here."

"Believe it baby, I'm not going anywhere."

Nicole was looking through the classifieds when Antonio returned with Jess in addition. She had a lot to say and think about but no one to share it with and missed the support of working with a close friend.

"There's one at the CIA and this USAID job looks interesting; forty eight hours a week plus overtime at $128,000 per annum pro rata."

"What about the Supervisor of Undercover Operations job in the Training and Development Division? It's still in the Bureau." Antonio was dropping hints to persuade her to stay.

"We talked about this; I can't work long hours."

"It's not that bad, it only covers the East Coast."

"Whatever it is; it has to be something meaningful. I graduated at seventeen; _so_ determined to make something of myself."

"You have." Antonio and Jess said in unison.

"But how much of that is down to duty in place of choice? If you take away the responsibilities and loyalties; how much of what I do and who I am am I?"

"Nicole, you're not a product of circumstance. Perish the thought. You know who you are. You don't want to leave the Bureau. Spend this time finding out what you want to do, not what have to do. Besides, Pollock has kids too." Jess reasoned.

"He also knows they're safe because Janice takes care of them. It's not a fair comparison." Nicole rebutted.

"What'd you do before?"

"I managed a club on the West Side, putting my MBA to use; which I got out of _duty_ and somewhat regret doing. Getting a job is easy. The question is; will it fulfil me?"

"What's the worst that could happen if I left instead of you?" Antonio chipped in.

"In a few years you'll realise you have a well-paid, mundane job you don't even care about; you'll remember how you surrendered and you will resent me. Love doesn't take away autonomy."

"Love is compelled to do selfless things."

"And I appreciate that."

"Pollock said something about Miller and Duvall but I was too busy to look it up. Who were they?"

"Miller and Duvall 1997." Antonio announced while looking through the fridge. "She got pregnant but a Federal Agent cannot be terminated for pregnancy under the Sex Discrimination Act and Employment Law. Miller stayed in the Bureau on the condition that he wouldn't make it known that he fathered her child and they wouldn't marry within the bureau. Duvall left within a year of having their baby due to the pressure they were under."

"How do you know?" Jess inquired.

"I worked with them in Miami '95, '96."

"There have to be more cases like that."

"Of course there are. Around eighty-seven percent of the relationships crumble or their careers suffer so much damage that they bail out completely." Nicole explained. "What's that around your neck?"

"Colin asked me to move in with him." Jess showed off her necklace and Antonio made a quick exit to avoid being asked for the male perspective. He'd learnt there was no right answer but silence.

"Are you going to use it?" Nicole asked, in reference to the key.

Jess shrugged her shoulders. "It would be a new chapter in my life. I'd have to get used to him all over again but I remember love in its purest form and I wish we could go back there."

"You can't. The honeymoon phase comes just once Jess, and then you're back to real life where it's about building and trying to maintain the love you have _now_ not then."

"It won't be easy. It never is but I love Colin. That never changes."

"Is it worth it?"

"Is it?" Jess threw the question back and it held them in a pensive but comfortable silence.

Jess went to Colin's new apartment and found that except for a few essentials, it was pretty empty. It had no personality or personal style or evidence that he lived there. She thought she was alone and was startled by his voice.

"What'd you think?"

"It's…nice, empty but nice."

"I'm waiting for you. It's all yours if you want it."

"That's something to consider."

"I'm all yours if you'll have me."

"That too. I hate moving."

"You'd only have to do it once. I have an assignment that starts in three weeks; it's on/off for six months so if you move in before I leave I'll have you to come back to."

"What do you mean by on/off?"

"I won't be away the whole time. Jess I'm trying as much as I can to make it better. Meet me halfway; think about what it's like when I'm here not when I'm gone."

"When you're away sure I miss your presence but I miss you more because I feel you're not here for me. If I'm falling in love with you again, which I am, I need to know I'm safe with you; that being open and vulnerable won't leave me jaded. I'm strong enough to take the hurt as long as I'm not subjecting myself to it."

"I love you. You don't know how it felt to have you believe in me and trust me. You changed _my_ life. I promise you, you're safe with me."


	8. Tabula Rasa

**Seeing as the last update didn't upload as it should've I felt compelled todeliver this chapter as soon as I could, which is great because i loved writing it and had a lot to draw from. Thanks for the support/interest/feedback and I hope you enjoy it. BTW Tabula rasa is Latin for blank page. Colin and Jess are...read on.**

**- I generate ****Unbridled love in the ****Mind, if only thoughts came to fruition.**

* * *

Nicole headed for the guillotine on Tuesday morning knowing if today's was their last ever case together, she had something to prove. The guillotine was the pet name for Pollock's office also known as the plank and the dungeon for the career ending activities that could take place within those four walls. 

"So this is what it's like not to have you under my skin. It's strange. I thought you needed time to reconsider."

"I have. When I joined I didn't have much in my life to share then I devoted all of myself to the job. I never stopped to ask; what's left? Until now."

"Nothing stays the same Agent."

"I'm transferring to the Training and Development Division; it's the next chapter of the legend."

"You're a rare find Scott. Like no other."

"You're…incomparable."

Pollock made his general announcement n the bullpen, marking the start of an important case; momentary silence, shuffling and assembling followed. "They say God created women and since then he has never rested."

"Tell me about it." Antonio says without thinking.

"We have two tenth graders; missing half-sisters. Bring them home."

"I've got the drama queen." Nicole volunteers.

"I'll take the cheerleader." Jess announces.

"How fitting." Antonio says. "Christina Miles and Nadine Dahl met in the second grade. Christina's mom was a single parent, never married, and Nadine's dad was a widower. By fifth grade they married but friends and schoolmates describe the dissipation of their friendship. The parents don't know why."

"Living with your best friend is great at ten but when you're in high school and competing with other girls, your best friend quickly becomes your enemy." Jess explains.

"Not to mention, a blended family is full of tensions and role conflict. It's possible that they ran away together or were taken by the same person. Maybe they're in two different places." Nicole's investigative mind went to work.

"One might be missing and the other is M.I.A. but safe." Antonio suggested. "Here's the list of sex offenders released in the last year within a ten mile radius of their home and school. Email, IM and SMS retrieval in is process for both girls. The parents passed the polygraph; they don't know where the girls are or what happened to them."

"Last night, they went out and came back at twelve to find the girls gone. They called the police at seven a.m." Jess contributed. "They're lying. When I was sixteen my parents never checked on me when they came home and, if they did go out they didn't come back at twelve. Who's the say the girls were home when they left, or that the parents even came home to see them?"

Nicole gets a call. "Scott…she is? Bring her in; I'll let the parents know. Thank you…Christina showed up at school in yesterday's clothes. I bet she'll lie about where they were, who they were with and if they were together at all."

"Scare her straight." Pollock says through a crack in the door.

"Whatever she knows has to lead us somewhere." Antonio's reasoning turned to concern at Nicole's sudden change in expression. "I'm going to search the house. Are you alright?"

Nicole nodded unconvincingly as Jess found her throwing up a few minutes later.

"Better you than me. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I'm fine Jess."

"Alright. Christina's in interrogation room one."

"When was the last time you saw Nadine?"

"Seven-thirty. My boyfriend picked me up."

"What's his name?" Nadine hesitated. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's…older."

Nicole slid a notepad across the table. "Write it down with a description of the car. So before old boy came to the house, did she say anything about where she was going?"

"She never tells me anything."

"But you knew. You always know. Where?"

Nadine exhaled. "10s and 20s. She went her way and I went mine."

An agent from the white collar department obtained the security video from the club of the night before.

"You lied to me. I don't like that." Nicole said, as she played the tape to Nadine on her laptop. "Not only were you at the club with her but you also made a scene. You caused a stink, fighting with your sister. Security threw you out and old boy wouldn't drive you home."

"That's not true."

"That car of his never passed your house. He met _her_ there and you followed to confront her."

"No I didn't!"

"You were embarrassed to see your sister all over your boyfriend and you were mad enough to throw a drink on her and slap her. Where did she go?"

"She got into a car."

"With who? Was she drunk, high, belligerent?"

Nadine folded her arms and gave Nicole the silent treatment.

"We have footage of you taking Ecstasy and consuming alcohol at a 21 and over club, either way; this is bad for you and even worse for her. Whoever was driving that car could be a murderer, a rapist, a paedophile…"

"I didn't see who it was, honest."

"Wait here."

Jess finds Nicole in the bathroom, throwing up again.

"You should go home."

"It's just morning sickness, it'll pass. What have you got?"

"The license plate of the car that Nadine got into. It's registered to Shaun Fenton, a registered sex offender who was released early for good behaviour. He's on probation."

"The arrogant bastard's still wearing a tag, right?"

"Antonio's tracking him down now, _you_ take a break."

"You're getting too forceful for my liking Mastriani. If Antonio's on Forensics then I'm going to arrest him. Interrogate him afterwards and, don't worry about me. I need this."

"Nic," She said out of concern.

Nicole kicked the door to Shaun Fenton's apartment open with glee while Antonio followed knowing she had ignored most of their doctor's advice and broken at least seven of his golden rules.

"Where is the girl who got in your car last night?" She asked while slamming him against the wall.

"Who? And what is _he_ doing?"

She shoved a picture of Nadine in his face. "Where'd you take her and what'd you do with her?"

"We pulled over; I think she was out of it. I know she was out of it. She passed out in the back seat of my car. I don't know why you're here; I haven't committed any crimes."

"What'd you do with the body?"

"I put her in a cab. I knew if you found her you'd put a rape charge on me."

"Did you rape her?"

"No, but I can't speak for my friend. He was off his shift."

"The cabbie?" Shaun nodded, which was difficult as Nicole was holding him by the lapel. "What's his name and where would he take her?"

Nicole and Antonio returned to the office with to find Thea at her old desk, the same desk that once belonged to Janey. There was a hollow aura around it that prevented people from talking to whoever occupied it.

"Thea. How's Denver?" Nicole asked, shocking the rest of the team.

"Not as eventful as D.C. I heard about the case and I wanted in."

"Welcome." This kind of cordiality struck Antonio because they never thought about how much time they had spent together while Nicole was relegated to desk work. Two weeks in Nicole's world was like three months in the real one.

Thea's findings rolled off her tongue. "CCTV shows the cab was left in a deserted garage around 5.20a.m this morning; it belongs to the First Rate Cab Company. Eli Wynneburger, 38 years old, was working the night shift but didn't turn the cab in at 1.00a.m as expected. He has no criminal record or parking tickets."

"Where's Jess?" Nicole asked.

"She had a vision and left. Her GPS is intermittent. She must be under a bridge or a tunnel. Her cell phone's on voicemail. She could've found him but we can't tell if that's a good thing."

"Let's think. Where could he take her in D.C. so he wouldn't have to take the body far, that's underground, secluded and close to where he dumped the car?"

Antonio and Thea searched on their computers while Nicole observed Pollock's interrogation of Eli. It was already 7.35p.m and she knew he wanted to go home with the satisfaction of another child being saved. Her cell phone rang.

"Nic, I've got a visual." Jess confirmed and gave Nicole the address. "I see Christina but if I go in and arrest the perp or _perps_, I might have trouble getting her out. Don't send a tactical team."

"I won't. We're on our way."

Twenty minutes later, Jess was joined by her team _and_ Thea.

"You're coming in with us?" Jess asked.

"That's why I came." Thea replied.

"You heard the lady. Thea and I will go in the side way. Antonio takes the fire escape and Jess waits until we're inside before taking down the front door. Let's get her out in one piece."

The long day ended with another accomplished case and although she wouldn't admit it, Nicole was feeling drained. After the bust, she made the decision to do what she could to protect her child without shielding them from the world and embrace this challenge as she did with all the others; in her own way.

"I'm still stunned. He took her to his apartment, she slept and he let her stay for as long as she wanted to? That's unheard of." Jess was finishing up her report.

"If forensics didn't prove it, I wouldn't believe it either. She should thank her lucky stars that he didn't hurt her or this could have been a tragic situation."

"True. When's the interview?"

"Tomorrow, fingers crossed, and the wedding's four days and counting."

"I'm sure you'll get the job. Nic, I'm moving in."

"He better treat you right."

"With you guys around, he has no choice. The past three years have been incredible; scary but good."

"They have. Don't ever think you need me; you're certified now. As a friend; you know where I am." Jess though of thanking her but she knew Nicole wouldn't hear of it because it had all balanced out; they had traded some valour for equal compassion and were better agents and women because of it.

Nicole meditated; _if I can keep breathing I might just do this_. His face became clearer as she exercised the belief that courage is one foot in front of the other. Everyone who mattered to them was there including her college roommate who sang "No one else" by Amel Larrieux while she walked with her maternal grandfather who he'd grown attached to again over the past few months. Her arm linked through his and he recalled the last walk they shared, twenty four years ago when she knew the lyrics to Candy Girl by heart and declared she would marry Ralph Tresvant. He was fond of her and the smart mouth she was renowned for; that's why he tolerated their choice for a judge-administered, private garden, wedding ceremony.

Jess looked on; wondering if she and Colin would ever get to the horse and carriage stage, as he called it, trying to forget the naughty things she had done at the hen party and pleased that in the high-waisted Roberto Cavalli dress and matching pain-inducing stilettos, she looked fabulous.

Internally Antonio celebrated the difference; they had never been this strong together and she had changed by facing her fears and not retreating to her old sense of security. He was more in love with her because she didn't conceal her true self, with that he found the real Nicole was more beautiful than anyone else could understand.

"Antonio, you define love to me; consistent, courageous and strong. I love you because you make me believe by being who you are. I promise to dedicate all I can to our future and our family, to be your friend and to always keep hold of why I married you; to make life meaningful."

Pollock and Janice walked in unnoticed on her last sentence. He brought his sharp suit and attitude, as he always did, but her words reflected how he felt about his wife. The reluctance to lose her was minute in comparison to her pursuit of the sustaining love that everyone needs. He realised he wasn't the only person entitled to have both; her new position was a testament to love overpowering protocol and the desire to win.

"Nicole, it means the world to have you in my life, even when it's hard it's worth it. I embrace the beauty in your imperfection, your sincerity and motivation because they're the reasons I fell in love with you. I swear I'll always be the one you can trust and have faith in because I'll never stop loving you."

With their vows providing the backdrop to her thoughts, Nina admired the woman her daughter had become…until the kiss turned into a make out session that took them all of sixteen seconds to remember they weren't the only ones present. Just as the last case marked the end of an era, this day was the beginning of a new one that would be just as turbulent yet rewarding than the last. Even more so because by readjusting their lives and laying down roots for their future; they were taking possession of their lives again, resuming what was often shut down by the Bureau.

Nicole and her grandfather danced to "Can you stand the rain" at the reception he spun her around and said, "You never did marry Ralph did you?"

"It didn't work out; I upgraded."

"You're not the woman I expected you to be."

"Because I can beat you at dominoes and change a tyre in a minute flat?"

"Because you're something special baby girl. Don't be afraid to fall; he's got you."

"I know." Ethan then cut in, because Kelly forced him to. Seeing her nephew after a long time reminded her of the instant, sweeping love she had for him and gave her confidence about her own child.

Colin was holding her close as they danced but Jess wasn't conscious enough to hear the music, she was taken by the blissful feeling of being in love again. "You ever want to get married?" Jess asked. He stopped dancing. She was surprised by his reaction. "I was just asking, strictly hypothetically."

"I'd marry you but there's a lot to do before we can get there. I'd never rush it, how many times have we seen Just Married?" She smiled. "Besides, I don't plan on marrying more than once." Then she remembered the drama he went through as a teenager with his stepfathers and how he acted in response to everything that went on at home. Like most private things she was the only person he'd shared that with.

"I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean…"

"When I said you make me want to better myself, I meant that too. So when I do ask you; I'll be ready." She respected that he wanted to grow into the person she could build a future with and reconfirmed her decision to move in with him. They kissed and he started to dance again. He already knew she was the one and wanted to be in a place where he was the person she needed and deserved to be with.

"Me preguntó por lo tanto debí decirla. ¿Estás enfadado con mi?" She asked with the same manipulative puppy dog eyes she would give him and Ramón when they were young.

"No. No importa. Nicole y yo hemos estar juntos y entiéndelo."

"Ahora estáis casados, quizás visitéis mas que antes; te extraño."

"Intenté."

"¡Mentirosa! No había visto tú tan enamorado con alguien."

"There's a reason for that." Nicole said, startling them.

"You _are_ getting better." Francisca acknowledged.

"At Spanish or snooping?"

"Both." He cut in. "Did you see Pollock?"

"Yeah. Vampires have rhythm too."

Jess was trying to fall asleep with her head rested on his chest but sensed he was still awake.

In the 3a.m. darkness and silence she told him, "If you asked me…when you ask me; I'll say yes."

One hand stroked her face and the other aroused her. "By then; I'll be the man who makes you want to."

She kissed him and with every kiss she felt more awake, each kiss heightened her want to be with him. It didn't take long for him to undress her and find his way back inside because she simply wanted to be reached. And wherever he was and whoever he was with, he'd never want anyone but her, to be anywhere but there, changed by a good woman and loved in a way it was only fair to give back. She let go, of the self-censorship that muffled moans and the inhibitions that reduced pleasure, to be engaged by someone so deeply it brought on tears. It was then, in one of the last nights or rather mornings they would spend in her apartment that she decided to hold on and find him. They had never experienced each other in that way before; neither knew what to say the following morning but regardless of their take on it; it was time to move forward and change had come.


	9. Or Down You Fall

Hey. I got my act together after some doubt, changes, risks and serious editing but here's the ninth chapter. I was overjoyed to see the positive responses to the wedding but as we know, life is turbulent and never that easy. An old character returns and...read.

To see a young Caterina Scorsone watch the "Girlfriend" episode of Ready or Not on youtube and do the same on the "10 days to King Holiday" episode of Generations for Vivica A. Fox. (who I love; her portrayal of Nicole was clearly a postmodern, post-feminist representation of Foxy Brown and Cleopatra Jones' values. I just had to get that out there.)

Thank you for sharing in this and enjoy!

-As a Strong Zambian/African/Nubian Woman in diaspora I have Unbridled and regained possession of my consciousness and Mind.

* * *

"What do you have against her? We ruled her out, she passed the polygraph and she's innocent, and nice." Jess' new partner reasoned as they waited for the next jet back to D.C from New Jersey. 

"Of course she was nice to you. That's part of the façade."

"If that's the case, why haven't I picked up on it?"

"The art of deception is subliminal; outwit the other person by making them think they've sussed you out and know what you're capable of. Trust weakens judgement."

"So trust is a bad thing?"

"When it's abused, yes. I'm not a total cynic but I'd never assume someone was incapable of betrayal; all it takes is the situation."

He looked at the time and became silent for a while. "Then why was she so willing to forgive him?"

"Love makes it harder to accept that people we love can betray us. We make excuses for them in hopes that they'll live up to the illusion and in a way, I can't blame her."

"If your theory applies then how many times are you willing to be burned until you stop making excuses?"

When Jasmine was standing with a tear-stained face on the other side of the door, Nicole forgot it was 4.00a.m and instinctively took care of her. The sororal driving force was reminiscent to that which Kelly, Jess and many others had brought out of her over the years and brought out her altruism. Watching Jasmine sleep under the look of innocence highlighted her adolescent vulnerability and made Nicole curious about the parallel and dissimilar events of their childhoods. With one glance she guessed what had happened; fully aware that a guy had something to do with it. Morning broke with the effects of mid-term sleep deprivation taking an immediate toll on her.

"You want to talk about it?" Jasmine shook her head in response, leaving Nicole unmoved. "So what happened?"

"Do you have to play hard ball so early in the morning?"

"Four a.m. is earlier. What's his name and what did you do?"

"I didn't want to go home last night."

"How'd you get here?"

"He drove me. They don't get it; the reason why I'm always with him is because he listens. They're so wrapped up in whether I'm using that they don't consider why; when the real reason I did it was so I didn't have to feel the void."

"Of being alone, because feeling numb is better than feeling empty and the absence of loneliness might bring you a twinge of joy."

"Whatever that means. It's like I have no…"

"…raison d'être because you haven't found it yet. Why here?"

"You said I can find you or you'll find me, anytime, but I need to find me and you know all about that."

"Now. When Mom went back to jail, I was shattered. I lost my will to do anything and it took time to realise I had control over my choices because without guidance, I had to choose what I wanted for myself. I still know what hell is though, that's why I care."

"Why you care about me?"

"I can't justify it; I just do…because I love you."

"You know D…"

"You can say his name, he's not Voldemort."

"He said there was a time when you'd do anything for him."

"There was. I cared more for him than myself. We all experience hell; sometimes it's due to others, and sometimes it's self-inflicted. I'm the Queen of close calls and I'll tell you the whole Darnell story if you can honestly say your boyfriend isn't another bad habit."

Nicole came in to work late with the benefit of not having to answer to anyone. Her new position had more clout and authority but she missed the thrill of being out on the field with team she was bonded to. In three short months, she had made a name for herself buy putting her energy into the ten hours she spent there each day. The judgement calls and increased responsibility were mentally gruelling as she had to send young, green, ambitious rookies into the lion's den. Her past experiences caused her to empathise with everyone involved and even though it was easier said than done, she knew Antonio was right to say; "_You don't decide who lives, dies, loses or wins; you can't shoulder that responsibility, just do your best._"

In the privacy of her new, larger office she scratched her stomach and silently wished for her baby girl to come soon and save her from Nina's obsession with baby paraphernalia. Her subsequent meeting with the Assistant Director of the DOJ gave her a new project to manage and made her aware of Colin's whereabouts. She was devising the new operation when an administrative assistant gave her an envelope. Inside it was a graphic picture of her being strangled by an extension cord with the caption "DIE Bitch DIE!!!" written above it. She searched the database for recently released criminals known for that kind of harassment, knowing there wasn't enough time in the world to go through every person she had had convicted, arrested or even testified against. To show fear wasn't her intention but she couldn't help shaking. The task at hand distracted her but the underlying anxiety practically cleaned and loaded her Glock for her.

"You're not supposed to be here." A familiar voice said to her. "You're off the clock at six; it's eight-thirty."

"Just making up for lost time." She replied casually, with results from her resumed search on her computer screen. It didn't take long for Antonio to figure out there was something wrong.

"What are you looking for?"

"Kindergartens." Her lie was overshadowed by the white collar Agent who walked in.

"Agent Scott, this just came through; Express Delivery."

"Thank you Karen, good night."

Antonio's stare went from the box to her face and back again, as he waited for her to open it. "Move over." He said in response to her reluctance to ask for help and took over the search for the next hour.

Jess was in the car park with her new, sexy partner who she had revived an old crush on. During the time Colin was away, she discovered the great difficulty in being faithful especially when you're young, attractive and craving intimacy. The extra hours at the gym, still life classes and salsa dancing at the 360 club were displacement activities designed to distract her from missing him. Although she didn't want to cheat, she'd had come to a place where the thought was no longer followed by guilt. She came to the conclusion that the last time she and Colin were together, she was too exclusive; investing too much in the relationship. This time around she was more sensible in putting herself first. The fault in her new M.O. was the lack of clear boundaries and self-restraint so when she kissed someone she met at the new dance club Spell; it took until the following morning to question whether she was wrong and to what extent.

Jess ate her power breakfast while watching the news. Fiona Apple's latest album kept her awake and fought with Colin's message for her attention. He was coming back in a few days and her love for him gave her a lecture about what she had done.

"Why'd you do it?" Nicole asked the following day.

"I don't know. When he's here I know he's the only person I want to be with but the distance is getting to me. I think it's harder this time because the stakes are higher."

"You could've have kissed him out of neglect or, it's a sign that you don't want to be exclusive."

"I miss you out on the field."

"With Jack as your new partner, you can't. Are you going to tell him?"

"If it's relevant I will. I'm not sure if it matters of what my motivation was."

"I can't tell you what's right but I know from experience how easy it is to do irreparable damage to a relationship."

Jess couldn't tell him when he returned because she didn't get a chance. He found the drawings from her still life class and after going through them asked, "Is this supposed to be me?"

"No. It doesn't even look like you. What do you think?"

"I think you're very talented. You never told me you could draw."

"I haven't for a long time; it's amazing how you can love something so much at one point and then give it up like it never meant anything to you at all."

"So when is it my turn?"

"I can't draw you."

"Sure you can; you have enough material to draw me from memory. I'm surprised though, it's really good."

"Thanks."

"What else are you hiding from me?"

Nicole's next delivery arrived a few days later. It was a newspaper clipping from 1986. The Englewood Herald ran a local interest story on a fire that had destroyed a two-storey house. A baby died from smoke inhalation and there was one casualty who suffered second degree burns. She was the casualty.

"_When I was 16 I lived with this couple, Mark and Jodie, and from day one I knew there was something unhinged about him. I put a lock on my door because I didn't trust him but one night there was a fire that started in the kitchen and spread fast. By the time the fire marshals got to me, a wall had collapsed on my bed; with me asleep inside it. I woke up in a hospital bed with my gown open and he was standing over me, stroking my face and staring._"

She shook her head at the remembrance of giving Antonio her painful recount. Truth was a double-edge sword; the giving or withholding of information was also a choice of who to hurt. This time, it hurt him to see old feelings disturb her. "If it's him we can end this now. What was in the box?" She pulled a pink bra out of her top drawer. "I thought you told you me everything there was to tell."

"There was a girl called Marlene whose sister Kate was fighting for guardianship. She was seven; I looked after her but I couldn't protect her. In freshman year Kate begged me to testify in a child abuse case because no one else would but the case folded until 1992." Nicole gave him the case folder from Social Services. "I met her again after graduation, Mark and Jodie had upped sticks to Rockford, and I helped her to reopen the case. He got parole in 2003."

"I'll take care of it."

"Thanks."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm used to threats but having my past exploited makes me feel violated. Jess said you've been out of it for while. What's up?"

"You love this job more than I do; it wouldn't hurt me to give it up. The worst thing is knowing you won't come back."

"It's best for all of us. You'll see." She replied, picking up the fax that had come through.

"Lunch?"

"No can do. The Philly D.A.'s flying in to see me about a cross-state RICO operation and I have to uproot some Quantico upstarts to Delaware."

"I preferred the honeymoon; I had you all to myself."

Jess was writing up a long overdue report when Jack broke her concentration. He had overheard her call to Colin and was bemused by her split personality.

"When boyfriend's away, girlfriend will play." He uttered.

"Not now Burgess. I'm busy."

"How long do you plan to keep up the pretence that you're satisfied? All it takes is one look in your eyes to know you're not happy."

"I am happy. Forget about what happened between us, I have."

"The fact you just mentioned it tells me you haven't. And why would you? It was amazing. Deny it but you showed me what you were capable of. It's impossible to forget that."

"So I remember; that doesn't bring us any closer."

"What do you call what we've been doing these past three months? We are closer."

"I call it work. We are not a couple. I have a boyfriend."

"Lucky for him but I wouldn't keep you waiting."

"Is there a point to this?"

"Besides riling you, no."

Pollock made the effort of saying all the things Janice told him to, the next time he saw Nicole but her stomach was a distraction because it was the only thing she could see was different about her. He was relieved to see that her spark hadn't died and although she wasn't as passionate about her work as before, she was clearly driven by something more.

"I thought you vampires avoided daylight." She joked. "I have a face too." She commented, in reference to his fixation.

He stopped staring. "So it's a girl?"

"Yeah it's amazing."

"The idea of a miniature Nicole Scott could be nothing but amazing. If it was up to me you'd still be under my skin."

"I know. You don't make the rules; I just break them. We're the one thing you can't control Prospero."

"There's an Agent in training I hoped you'd work your magic on."

"You mean corrupt them?"

"She destined to bounce from office to office as you did but it's undeniable she's a rare find. Just in case this soccer mom thing gets a hold on you at least your legacy will go on."

"Soccer mom?"

All alone with her wandering imagination; Jess' thoughts walked through realms that defied her in-built sense of morality. As she lay in the bed she shared with Colin days ago; desire for someone else crept between the sheets and gave her a thrill of possibility. The last time they were together he gave her a high she had to thank him for; he wrote his name over her body with his touch but she never felt freer. But he wasn't there and the reality she avoided getting used to inspired her boldness. Her thumb scrolled through the numbers on her cellphone.

Before she was able to dial, she received an urgent text message from Antonio detailing the address of the hospital. Nina called straight after; she was on the highway and asked if Jess knew anything more. Like a practice drill at Quantico, Jess got dressed with haste and drove through any red lights that got in her way. In the calm of her teenage oblivion, Jasmine was the only one who would speak to her in the waiting room. Antonio was staring into space trying to remain mentally strong but his attempts were as paper-thin as the crushed coffee cup in his right hand. James' biblical murmurings offered Nina no comfort as she sat with her heart in her mouth.

"Any news?" Jasmine shook her head in response. "What's going on?" Jess asked.

"No one knows." Jasmine replied and put her earphones back in. Though, at a glance she could tell that they all thought the same thing and were waiting for a doctor to confirm it.


	10. Breathe

Short note: We are coming to the end. Chapter 12 will be the last. I decided to post so quickly because my mind has been buzzing and it came with ease. I didn't fight the flow of creativity. I also though the cliffhanger I left you on was too provocative for me to leave it for a long time. Thank you all for your encouragement and as always...enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.

Peace.

* * *

"Mr. Cortez?" The doctor called and took him to her room. On the way there, he explained what had happened. "Her records show a threatened miscarriage but a precedent miscarriage is not definite."

"Threatened miscarriage?"

"Bleeding in the first trimester. As I said it's fairly common in pregnancy and doesn't always pose a risk to the pregnancy. The ultrasound showed a posterior fundal placenta so there's no placental cause of bleeding posing a risk to her or the baby and she shouldn't have problems delivering naturally."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "So what's the problem?"

"She had a benign cervical polyp that we removed. That should stop the bleeding. We'll keep her here for a day or two and then you can take her home. In the meantime, get some rest; the nights don't get much longer, do they?"

"No they don't. So what caused it?"

"It was just an incidental growth; in her case I don't have a thorough explanation. However I advise no pelvic activity until her next check up in other words; no lifting, exercise or sex for two weeks. She's asleep and visiting hours are almost over; come back in the morning. Everything's fine."

"You _can_ go to work you know." Nicole informed her mother who was under her feet as soon as she got home.

"I'm not going anywhere until we talk about it."

"Talk about what? I was scared, the problem's solved and now we move on."

"I was terrified at the thought of that happening to you Nicole."

"It didn't."

"Why do you always do that? I don't need you to reassure me. I'm taking care of you, remember?"

_Lucky for me_.

"Mastriani. In my office." Pollock ordered, not stopping to address her directly. He immediately noticed he was one agent short and Jess was suffering from a severe lack of sleep. Despite hearing the good news, she was unsettled by the experience and her growing dissatisfaction with the relationship she was in. Being alone while in a relationship was causing her to resent him and the new apartment so much so that she avoided spending time there. She was reaching breaking point and her newfound closeness and attraction to Jack was compounding the problem. Nevertheless she remained professional, mostly due to lack of a girlfriend to talk it out with, and explained as much as she could to Pollock, who she knew would find out anyway.

"They've taken a few days off Sir."

"Good, keep me posted. Now, is she really fine or is she just exercising the trademark Scott denial of weakness?"

"I can't say."

"Isn't empathy your forte?"

"I can only imagine what it's like to come close, or even think you might lose your baby. Why do you ask?"

"I care."

"Alright then." Jess said leaving him alone in his contemplative state.

The topic of her conflict was waiting for her in the bullpen and his bright mood heavily contrasted hers. "You're not your usual cheery self. Who stole your dog?"

"Not today Burgess."

"Seriously, what's wrong?"

She ignored his question and introduced the new case. "Reggie Freitas, six years old, of Danbury, Connecticut, was kidnapped from the dentist's yesterday afternoon."

"Then _perege modo_." Pollock stated, appearing out of nowhere as usual.

"Excuse me?" Jess asked.

"Let us go forward; it's the city's motto." Jack answered.

"Right."

Nicole slept for the duration of the short flight to New York. She needed to get out of D.C. to breathe for a while before resuming life as it was and, to escape the smothering level of care giving Nina used to compensate for her own fear. Ironically Antonio protected her in a similar fashion but she was too tired to fight it. Besides, something didn't feel right if he wasn't there as though her senses were so used to him, they noticed the difference.

The neighbourhood he grew up in had experienced major changes; their house which was once a communal hub frequented by extended family and friends, was converted by the gentrification and individualism that took over in the early 1990s. It was hard to believe that the pretentious yuppie central used to have a soul to it, life running through the streets in a time when they weren't concerned with its prospects as a property investment, a time when they called it home. Stepping inside made him forget about the politics and lose himself in everything that used to be; he could visualise events that helped to shape who he was by standing in an empty room and letting the walls have their say.

The connection between Nicole and Consuela was as instantaneous as the first day they met; the central women in his life, the only women capable of driving him insane, hit it off and spoke like old friends. There was something satisfying in seeing her son challenged for once instead of always succeeding at everything. She could watch them play off each other for hours and never get bored of the chemistry between them; as combustible as it was fulfilling, as taxing as it was intoxicating, there was a balance. The magus and the spitfire made an enthralling combination.

"Love is like the gulf between two places, two countries even and the journey it takes to meet in the same place. There you can get lost in each other. I never thought I'd be alone but I learnt just as you've learnt to be together. It makes you strong."

She told Nicole the love story of how they met in New York when she was living with a family friend and he had moved from Val Verde to work during a time of mobility. She was a young teacher from Sogamoso who never realised how small her world was until he came and questioned what she thought she knew and believed in. They crossed the distance between and defied purist racial laws; bringing children into that world that were both Mexican and Colombian.

She stressed the importance of identity and the richness of culture that fostered the sense of self. Nicole's grievance with this was the disproportionate comparison; regardless of the empathy, there would never be a full understanding because human experience as well as human nature was in effect. It would take a century-long dissertation to break down the complexities and subtleties of race, culture and their intertwining. She remembered the times when she lived in homes and went to schools where she was isolated from African-American culture and communities and felt like a misunderstood 'other,' or the topic of a subconscious anthropological study. Long ago she had decided who to be and regardless of how much she surpassed her own and others' expectations; she was still bullied in Elementary school, accused of plagiarism in High school and discriminated against as an adult. Being part of the system didn't make her exempt nor did it dull her consciousness.

"He got on my nerves but he taught me a lot too, that's where Antonio got the 'know it all' persona from. I used to tell him; if you have to live internally to filter your emotions, that's fine as long as you make room to let someone in."

While eavesdropping, Antonio got that timeless sensation of knowing she was right but not wanting to admit it. Hearing his mother talk of the resemblance between them didn't irk him as it did in the past because it was mostly for the right reasons. Back then he struggled with an inner conflict of meeting insurmountable standards but as he'd developed into his own person they became less important.

She sneaked up on him and said, "I think Maya is a beautiful name, I always have."

Hearing her say that out of genuine interest made him happy because she rarely discussed anything related the baby outside of the routine check-ups. Instead, she had been actively building her life around her without addressing how she felt because that was how she expressed unconditional and selfless love, through actions and few words.

Jess?" Jack said, running his finger along her hand to get her attention. On her next sip she realised the coffee had gone cold. "Vision?"

"No. The case is over."

"Not that you've noticed." She moved her hand from the table to her lap and avoided eye contact. "What's the problem?"

"You. We _are_ closer, too close."

"That's the difference between us. I don't fight how I feel about you while you're struggling to stay in your relationship. "

"I know where this is headed and how much it'll hurt him."

"Who's getting a raw deal here Jess?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"He's got it made; it must be nice to be a part-time boyfriend whose girl works overtime."

"What's it to you?"

"You haven't smiled all day." He took hold of her other hand and she didn't resist. "It's that time of year and you're miles away from your family; come home with me." She didn't resist that either.

Nicole was getting ready to leave work on her first day back when Jess found her for an emergency woman-to-woman talk. Everything she couldn't say and held in during the day was written in lines of distress on her forehead.

"What have you done and what are you thinking about doing?" Nicole asked reading her friend with familiarity.

"Jack."

"Are you sleeping with Jack?"

"No."

"Are you _conspiring_ to sleep with Jack?"

"I don't know. It's been five years,"

"Since your dad passed, I know."

"I needed to be held, comforted and understood. What am I fighting for if I can't have the simplest things? I didn't need an apartment for him to reach me; I wanted him to try."

"Wow."

"I love him Nic, but I'm not happy. I can't live like this anymore."

Jess found her old porter still in the foyer of the apartment building, doing the sudoku on the back of the newspaper. He was glad to see her and offered her the seat beside him.

"How've you been?"

"All over the place."

"No happily ever after for you then?"

"He needs me more than I need him."

"In that case; your apartment's still vacant. I'm not just saying this because you talk to me but your smile brightens up the place."

Colin left her another message. She wished she could send one back to say when he returned she wouldn't be waiting. She would be hanging up her framed drawings and moving back into her domain with a fresh perspective. A new lick of paint and Keith Haring, Jean Michel Basquiat and Frida Kahlo prints would give it more character and make it feel more like the domicile of her own creativity. Nicole would buy her an easel and she'd finally get to see Antonio's restored Barracuda but at that point all she felt was the heartache of departure.


	11. Life In Blue

Greetings to one and all. I wrote most of this chapter under a mood I can only call blue and thought about how outside of life's events which provoke external emotions, we live internally on many counts. I transferred the introspection to this chapter which is the penultimate one as I'm ready to move on. The next will take place six months later then...finis! Thanks for sharing this with me especially;

BlindLoveFreeSpirit A Shesheismycat story101 Endlessdreamer1024 saturn567 jasmin KittyWittyKate

* * *

After a few months of settling back in and getting over what was left of her feelings for Colin, he surprised her by showing up on her day off. The John Hughes marathon she was watching was interrupted by his impromptu arrival which she knew would create on of three things; make-up sex, an argument or guilt. She didn't want to do either or rouse any other fading emotions and least of all to love him again for the cost was too great. He was still nursing the sinking sensation of coming home to find her gone with a six page explicit explanation that couldn't have helped him understand. Having read over it too many times to count, he knew there were things she hadn't said and a fusion of speculation and anger, along with her still life drawings, painted the possibilities in his mind. 

"You could have found me; you didn't have to put it in a letter. You're right. I'm sorry. But I meant all of it."

"I didn't have the upper hand Jess; I went out of my mind missing you, wanting to be with you and knowing I couldn't."

"You said you couldn't commit to me but I didn't listen when I should have."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I should've let you go completely instead I held on to the very feelings that put my life in deadlock."

"I tried to make it better and you walked out on me. You said you could deal with it, that you'd meet me halfway and that you wanted in."

"I wanted _you_, and I was selfish to think I could have all of you when your job is your priority. What was I supposed to do? Make you choose? That's not me and that wasn't us."

"I don't know who I would've become if I didn't choose this life, nothing meant more than having you both. You made me want the horse and carriage and for that; I love you."

"I love you enough to let you move on and find the one. So you can be the person you want to be for _you_, not for me."

"What aren't you telling me?" She felt the pang of guilt and avoided the question.

When Antonio was called to Bellevue, Ohio to make an assessment of a homicide and a subsequent suicide that had taken place the day before, he was vaguely aware of Anna's say in it. His initial plan was to do the job at hand and fly back to D.C. without crossing paths with her, but that was thwarted when he ended up in her office. The last time he was there, their wedding picture was on the wall and he was tried to talk her into leaving early but her ambition wouldn't allow it. Now a recent picture of Pamela and Sean, her niece and nephew, had replaced it. He tried not to show that it mattered and described his findings.

"Do we have a case?" She asked, wondering what she was thinking by requesting his help. She couldn't help but to feel curious as they hadn't seen each other in over a year. The curiosity took her back to when they were an item, the way he pursued her and gave her everything she wanted except himself. She once called him a fairytale husband; only made for a fantasy; outwardly fulfilling wishes and saying the right things, without the love, substance and truth behind it. To hurt her in return he reduced their marriage to an achievable task; he proposed to her because she knew she'd accept, there was no fear of rejection stopping him. Little did he know; she would analyse that from a hundred different viewpoints until it became fuel for her to file their divorce papers.

He knew her well enough not to mention Nicole; she was an open wound in their former marriage that they had both manipulated to hurt and judge each other with. So he gave her his evidential reports and hypotheses on how the situation came about, relieved to be out of the town wherein they married. Something inside pinned his feet to the floor, made him ramble and barred him from saying the multitude of things he thought about. Already informed by his sister about Anna's engagement, he made an attempt at not sounding bitter. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Reginald Palmer." She said with ease.

"Reggie Palmer; the linebacker?" He asked, trying not to sound too alarmed, jealous or intimidated.

"Yeah." His facial expression was neutral so as always she couldn't tell how or what he felt.

"Congratulations."

"Thanks." A drawn-out silence followed, until she let out what she'd held onto for a while. "I loved you Antonio."

"I loved you." He told her with honesty. For the first time since their divorce she believed him. "How are Tamara and the kids?"

"Great. They miss your pancakes." She succeeded at making him smile while thinking of asking about their child. She concluded that that was just asking for trouble, she didn't really want to know and if she did; she could count on Francisca's proclivity to tell all to satisfy her curiosity.

"And you?"

"I'm fine." Her short answer defied etiquette as she didn't return the question, namely to avoid hearing about what knew was right to want for him; his happiness.

"Good. The Bureau jet leaves soon. Take care." He kissed her on the cheek and left sharing the same awkward feeling she had.

After a great deal of pleading and persuasion on his part, Nicole agreed to spend the last month of her pregnancy out of work but letting go wasn't easy. Even though she was coming back when their baby was six months old, the idea of being in one spot for a month was punishing. That's what made it harder to do the changeover and pack up her things including a striking wedding picture that captured the look of love in her eyes. His motive was taking her away from the stress and responsibility so she could relax, but those things were key components of who she was.

"Last day blues or baby blues?" Jess asked, entering without knocking.

"Both. I cried more last week than I have all year." She replied, revealing the least of it To her knowledge, she had become difficult to live with and very ambivalent; she couldn't decide whether she wanted him to hold her or get the hell away and her anticipation of the birth was interrupted with bouts of overwhelming anxiety. In both instances she felt guilty for being unbearable and there was nothing he could do or say to bring her out of what her mother referred to as "a funk." Work diverted her attention from her mood swings and now it was out of the picture; she feared she would do harm to herself and or the baby.

"You'll get through it."

"I'd better. What's up with you?"

"My new partner is…different. And, I lied to you before; when Jack took me home he _really_ comforted me. My conscience, which sounds like my mother, was working overtime."

"I'm your friend, I don't agree with it but I wouldn't have judged you."

"With everything you were going through I couldn't tell you. It was wrong and selfish but I did it."

"Did you tell Colin?"

"He believes in me and I can't take that away from him even if it's an illusion."

"Why?"

"Because that blind faith will make him a great husband someday."

That evening Nina accompanied Nicole to the clinic to see Dr. Nathan for the last time before the birth. He was blasé about her symptoms and sent her home, which she refused as soon as the words left his mouth.

"There's nothing I can give you but advice Nicole. Prenatal depression is common amongst expectant mothers. I understand you haven't had the easiest pregnancy but I assure you everything will be fine."

"Then why are all these things happening to me?" Nicole stole the words from Nina's mouth but as soon as she said it, she knew she was wrong. "Forget I said that. You're just a man."

"Actually I'm a doctor," He rebutted, amused by her.

"No offence; I meant mortal not brainless. You're right; I should go home and find some way to deal with it."

"Try yoga, massages and meditation." He suggested.

"Sure." She said abruptly.

"Before you literally rush off, can I ask you something personal?"

"You're the doctor, shoot."

"I noticed the tattoo on your hip. What is it?"

"It's a phoenix. Why? Have you been checking me out?"

"I like to see my patients leave happier than they were when they came in."

Nina insisted that Nicole came to her house, which she didn't do often, as she had something she'd been working on for her. Nicole grimaced at the thought of discussing baby-related things with her mother which they now did most of the time they saw each other. However, her mother gave her a scrapbook of her baby pictures, mostly with her father, the original birth certificate and some pictures from when she was thirteen. Nicole recognised the significance of receiving the only things her mother had for keeps during the long periods they were apart. For two hours she went through it, forgetting about her problems and learning more about herself with every turn of the page.

"_When I was pregnant, I needed to be reminded everyday because I didn't believe it. Call it denial but I could not digest the idea of having a baby. Just the other day we were out all night dancing to 'It's your thing." Anyway, after I had you I had what we now call postpartum depression but my mother called 'can't be bothered to keep the house clean or pick up your baby, selfish, lazy-ass irresponsibility.' We didn't bond for the first few months but he took to you straight away. I believe he wanted to make things better for you but he never realised that he needed to change to solve our problems. He loved you and as he grew more into someone I feared, that remained the same. To this very day, I still question if I had the right to take him from you but I can't take it back._"

Jasmine strolled in around nine to find her mother, father and half-sister watching Carmen Jones and instantly recalled the hundreds of times she has seen it as it was Nina's all-time favourite film.

"_Diamonds ain't what I want of a man._"

"_If I love him, he don't need no checkbook._"

"_If I don't, a checkbook ain't gonna do him no good._"

"_Who's talkin' about love?_"

The sensation of the baby kicking broke Nicole's laughter. With one rotating look she could see something was troubling Jasmine; her mannerisms mirrored their mothers'. That appraisal took her back to 1983 and gave her the worst feeling that Nina was right all along; Jasmine was still using and her evasive, guilt-ridden avoidant behaviour was a dead giveaway. Through what must have been telepathy, Jasmine sensed a shift in the room and became more nervous as she was waiting for Nicole to say something.

"Come. Sit." Nicole said with a wavering tone.

"Nicole …"

"Goodnight Jasmine." Nicole said firmly, opening her car door.

"Please. If you just listen…"

"…to what? What do you have to say that I want to hear? Nothing. You lied to me and I believed you."

"What was I supposed to say?"

"Nothing. Now go inside; it's getting cold."

"Not until you hear me out. I don't want you to give up on me like they have."

"They haven't."

"Whatever. A few months before I came over I slipped but when I saw you, I couldn't say I had a relapse because you said you love me…and I believe that."

"I've seen drugs destroy the people I loved the most; Mom lost me, Kelly nearly lost Ethan and it took so long to start rebuilding. You don't have to learn the hard way. So what happened?"

"I went to 10s and 20s and they were playing Dance and House music, you know Hed Kandi, Ultrabeat, and Ministry of Sound. I wasn't feeling the music but after a couple of Es I had a good time.""

The cogs in her mind were turning. "What else happened that night?"

"I don't remember that much…there was a fight over some guy; he wasn't even that cute. I didn't lie about being clean. I lied about the duration. It was a mistake that's behind me."

"I've made many of those and the idealist in me still believes you won't have to but life is isn't like that. Be thankful you can afford to make them."

Nicole was eating leftover Ajiaco that night when she heard "Angel" by Chaka Khan on the radio and immediately identified.

"..._Always rearranging the wreckage of her life, ever holding tight to the hope that she'll be free. Needy little baby; open up your eyes, don't you be afraid to feel. Needy little baby hiding deep inside, don't you know your love can heal?_"

Under the hypnosis of a voice that pierced through her soul, she didn't hear him sneak up on her. He was relieved to see her in a better mood and had spent the last few hours in Georgetown unwinding with his friends and trying to figure out what had happened between him and Anna. There was no satisfactory conclusion; it just _was_.

At that point they could have asked each other what they were each dealing with but there was great contentment from being in each other's presence, in a comfortable silence that emphasised the important of what they knew, not what they didn't. She had found the lost pieces of herself in him; the pieces she discarded, left behind and let die because she didn't have the hope to hold on to them. Love had renewed itself enough to be unbreakable. What he felt for her surpassed the limits of any abstract noun that connoted love and the thrill of the chase had lasted long enough to become an enduring high that fulfilled needs he didn't know he had and satisfied those he was well aware of.

"Do you want more kids?" He asked, with his hand rubbing her stomach. They were still lying in the spooning position long after they made love. Restlessness kept them awake.

"I don't think so. Do you still want four?"

"I'm not sure. Wait, why not?"

She exhaled knowing that was something he didn't want or like to hear because it represented their desires for different things; his being family and hers being a challenge. Even though in her eyes they were one and the same, he couldn't help but take it as a bad omen. "Is this about work?"

"No. I left the field because I know it's best for her."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong; I want her to have all of me. What's up?"

"Nothing." He replied, lying convincingly for once.

"I know there's something. Is it worth knowing?"

"No."

"Anna's engagement knocked you for six, right? What is he, a football player?"

"How do you…Paca. Her mouth needs wiring shut."

"We don't have to talk about it."

"Good."

"But…there are things I'd like to keep just between us."

"Sure."

In the comfort of her revamped apartment Jess was enjoying her new liberated lifestyle in a creative way. Jack was lying in between her crumpled sheets being painted by an inquisitive artist. "Lie still, you're messing with the shadows." She instructed standing behind from the easel.

"I can't talk and give you the botox face at the same time."

"So, is your smugness acquired or a genetic trait?"

"Funny, really. I'd call it a justified, innate feature that has its benefits. Do you like what you see?"

"If I didn't you wouldn't be here. Yes I do. What are you thinking about right now?"

"What the chances are that history will repeat itself. You?"

"Where you'll be in the morning. All I have left to do is your face."

"You'd draw me then throw me out? I feel so used." They both laughed and Jess' pencil formed a post-laughter smile out of the overconfident smirk she had initially started. "Will you hang it up with the rest?"

"No. This is personal. Do you want a relationship?"

"It depends on what kind. Do you?"

"I like the freedom of doing whatever I want; without the commitment or pressure."

"Like an open relationship or friends with benefits?"

"Something like that. I'm almost done."

"You're impressive in the field; I didn't know someone so dainty could be such a hard ass."

"The Bureau's hardly a tea party…and I'm not dainty. There; it's finished."

He used looking at it as another excuse to be close to her. "Hidden talent, I like that."

"What's yours?" He kissed her on the neck. "That doesn't count you know."

"Give me a weekend, I'll show you. You know I'm going back to the Hostage Rescue Team."

"I know. I'll hold you to that weekend though."

In the hospital room, Nicole held on to her baby girl with a love so great it rivalled gravity in force. At once she forgot about her job, the Manolos she had left behind, the twenty seven pounds of baby weight she had to lose, the tequila that put them in this predicament, the and the other people in the room; all she could see was the Maya Isabel, the centre of her world. That joy gave her untold completion, instant solidarity and reassurance that she basked in before handing her over to Antonio.


	12. Perege Modo Finis

Hey, we've reached the end. I'm not writing a continuation to this to be clear; I'll write a separate 'fic next time. Thank you all for sticking with me and I've loved it so much. The reason this chapter is so long is because I didn't want to deprive you by not tying up different storylines. Thanks again. BTW harmattia is Greek for tragic flaw or Achilles' heel in modern terms.

* * *

During the six months she spent at home, Nicole came to realise what people meant when they said motherhood is a full time job. She did her best to give her everything she needed and felt guilty and wary having to leave her in day-care the morning she went back to work. Not to mention, she had heard _I told you so,_ more times from Antonio than she cared to remember; she had become a compassionate and protective mother the day Maya was born. She had put Nicole through the wringer for six months and the colic she had for ten weeks, put her on edge; motherhood was amongst the hardest things she'd ever committed herself to. But as always, she persevered and came to know Maya inside out and how to care for her. That's why she felt guilty for leaving her with a childminder even though he had passed her rigorous interview. Antonio noticed her stalling. 

"The highway will be hell in half an hour." He said, rubbing her back.

"I know." She replied, happily watching Maya who was mastering the art of putting all her fingers in her mouth.

"It'll get easier, but you do have to go to work. It's what you wanted."

She picked up her briefcase full of files she had been looking over to be on top of things on her first day back, there were operations she was coordinating that had gone to plan and some that had failed due to "ass-backward" decisions, as she called them, made in her absence.

"It is. Let's go."

"You're not going to say goodbye?"

"You're used to this. I can't."

He drove her to work and she didn't say much on the way there. She was shutting down all those feelings in order to focus on work. She was mentally prepared; catching up on current events, doing extreme workouts to get her body back and concentrating on the future had put her in the mindset to handle the world she had dedicated herself to for he last twelve years.

"She's fine Nic. I ran his record remember? All he has are a few parking tickets. You don't have to worry." She nodded silently and he knew she didn't hear, register and/or believe a word he said. After five minutes of awkward silence, he reached for her hand instead of the gear shift. "It won't be like the last time, I promise." He said reassuringly after realising what was bothering her; she was four weeks pregnant and the thought of losing the baby weighed heavily on her mind. She disclosed her worry once, when they agreed to try again on their first wedding anniversary. His promises were full of sentiment, which she appreciated, but couldn't control the outcome. That was left purely to chance. "Think about why we wanted this in the first place; so Maya could have a little brother."

"Sister." She corrected him although it didn't matter to her either way. "It'll be nice though; having kids that are fourteen months apart. They'll be close."

"It'll be even better when we have four." He joked solely to push her buttons.

After an hour-long briefing from her boss, she was back to throwing her weight around as it allowed. She found the more energy she put into work, the less she had to think about what was hurting her and who she'd go home that evening. All in all, it was a bad first day; an off-the-books operation she coordinated had been brought to her boss' attention incurring a mid-afternoon grilling which she responded to with uncharacteristic restraint. Luckily he gave her the breathing space to fix it but the news of an Agent she sent undercover dying after a bad judgement call as well as having to comfort their parents who wouldn't leave brought her to a low point. Nicole's workout was interrupted by Pollock; she was four pounds away from her original weight and he was standing in the way of her achieving it. She lowered the speed of the treadmill and wiped her forehead.

"Code red. Canton, Ohio." He said reverting to their basic language.

"Thirty-six hours." She replied, stepping off and taking the case file. "Twenty two days?"

"No reliable sightings."

"Damn. I'm on it." She confirmed and he was relieved that she hadn't lost her spark completely.

Antonio and Jess were attending a meeting in the field office with the head of Ohio's police department, the state's top forensic investigator, the forensic psychologist that was Jess' new partner and the District Attorney; Anna Delores. Theo Vanholten, aged twelve, was kidnapped on the way home from school twenty-two days ago and with forty-seven convicted sexual predators living in ten mile radii of his home, school and youth club there were too many suspects to find him the conventional way. The disappearance had been the material of the local newspapers and created a moral panic across the state but particularly in his home town. There had been four vigilante acts of vandalism and the police office had been bombarded with calls of fury. Finding him was a priority not just for his family, but to gain some respect from the residents.

"Of the suspects there are four ex-convicts, five teachers and two youth workers who still aren't accounted for and none of the tips have led us anywhere. Of the four so-called sightings, only one of them was right and Theo has since been moved from that location. I assume whoever took has either killed him already or skipped the state." Anna informed them.

"Or," Nicole announced, walking in unexpectedly. "His kidnapper is enjoying the attention and keeping him right here in his hometown while we go on a wild-goose chase. Of his immediate family,"

"Who we ruled out entirely." Anna interrupted.

"I don't believe in entirely." Nicole rebutted. "Especially when his heroin-addict uncle, Vincent Schmitt, returned to Canton six weeks ago. He moved to Cincinnati after the family wrote him off. My sources tell me he owes some people a lot of money."

"If he was trying to hold his nephew for a ransom to pay them off with, then he would've done that already." Jess stated.

"Unless what they want isn't money itself but a commodity they can use to get money in perpetuity." Antonio suggested, sensing the growing tension between his current and ex- wives.

"Or however long that is until they kill Theo." Jess concluded. "Excuse me." She said, leaving to decipher her vision.

"If it's a trade; what can they do with a twelve-year-old boy?" Anna asked before answering her own question in a grim tone. "Prostitute him. I'll compile a list for known and named associates of convicted paedophiles and child pornographers, especially those whose trials gained widespread media attention."

"I'll have my top officers find Uncle Vince within the hour." The Police Head affirmed.

"He's in interrogation room number three. The strung-out bastard resisted arrest." Nicole replied, annoying Anna for stepping on her feet.

"I'll interview him." Antonio volunteered to get out of the room which had become much smaller since Nicole's entrance.

"Agent Scott, do you know who's behind this?" The Police Head asked.

"No Sir, I don't. One of my best agents will call in an hour. Until then I'd appreciate it if you told me everything you know about Judge Gary North; there were accusations of his involvement in a paedophile ring,"

"You're walking on shaky ground Agent Scott."

"I understand that and I don't intend to sling mud, but surely he can help."

"If you can get him to cooperate, he's all yours. Just don't mention my name."

Anna observed Jess' and admired her prowess; they way she exploited his paranoia and gained his trust, was the mark of a fully-fledged F.B.I. Agent who had come into their own.

"Are you alright?" Jess asked intuitively.

"I'm fine, just fine. Do you believe him?" Anna asked in her professional and slightly agitated tone.

"He's so strung out he couldn't have masterminded this. He lost control of the situation before it even began so at most, you can charge his as…"

"An accessory, I know."

"Where's Maya?" Antonio asked Nicole

"She's at Mom's. To think I left the field so I could be home every night, but here I am."

"You don't have to be here, you want to." He said, realising that she still loved the field more than he did.

Anna walked in on their conversation. "That Agent of yours is really something, there was a positive sighting in the North-East."

Jess joined them in full gear. "The tactical team will arrive at the location in thirty minutes with the police outside to arrest them. Pollock tipped the media."

"So this is where you save the day." Anna said to Nicole in particular, in half wit and half cynicism.

Nicole picked up her jacket. "No, actually I'm heading home. Goodnight guys."

"What?" Jess asked, totally bemused.

"This is your case and I don't need the extra paperwork. Just make sure my Agent arrests the lead perp; she's earned it." Jess smiled, knowing Nicole did the same for her almost four years ago. With that she was surprisingly gone.

_Three months later_.

By five a.m. he found her in the nursery that Nina had decorated with zeal, already feeding the baby.

"Go back to bed, I'll take over." He said kissing her shoulder. "You were great out there."

"I guess I was." She replied and then asked, "What would you think if I went back to the field?"

"Is that what you want?"

"I think about it sometimes but I know that means seventeen-hour days, always being away and trying to fit your kids around a schedule that doesn't make much time for them."

"You said; if you don't like reality, change it. I'm willing to do that. The question is; are you? Whenever I mention leaving the Bureau, you dissuade me and the only reason I've put up with it this long is because I know you get vicarious satisfaction from me doing the job you love."

_Damn, you do pay attention_. "Are you still willing to take a well-paid, mundane job?"

"That depends. Are you ready to leave D.C.?" He asked, predicting a negative answer.

"Yes."

"What? You won't miss it?"

"I bought a house, we built a home. Which do you think I'll miss the most?"

"How about New York?" He stared at her until they both burst out in laughter. The idea of their living in the same state as his mother and sister was hysterical. That was an open invitation to familial interference that neither of them appreciated. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

She kissed him to quench his doubt. "I'm ready."

He felt free. Not only because he was finally rid of Pollock and his subtle ridicule, but because he was who he wanted and chose to be and had found the woman who accepted him for who he was and didn't try to change him. Jess would miss them but she didn't say a word against it; when the need arose she called Nina who bared her grievances. Nicole was her friend, her partner and previously her mentor and she would never forget what they had shared in all that time.

Before a few weeks before they left, Jasmine visited finally ready to hear 'the whole Darnell story.' He initially pursued her for six months to no avail. By then, she had made the choice that college was her destination and between school and her part-time job she didn't have time for him. He always offered her a ride in his_sexy bad-ass Jetta_ and the one day she was running late to work, she had no choice but to accept it.

"The art of male manipulation is making a woman or even a man believe they're not being manipulated. That's what he did to me. I'm sure I saw parts of him that were genuine but the layers of bullshit far outweighed that."

After gaining her trust and loyalty through false promises and dedications of Freddie Jackson records to her on a local radio station, the relationship began when she was seventeen and ended in her third year of college.

"Things had been going sour for the past year. He was always overprotective and controlling but the last year was the worst because I let him put his hands on me even though I knew it was wrong. And I justified it because he was _looking out for me_. You always here that victims are isolated but I wasn't; he used my freedom and independence as a cover for what he did to me. _How can the opinionated, tough, go-getter Nicole Scott be knocked by her man_? That's what my roommates thought."

"So why'd you leave and how?"

"We went out to a club one night and frat guys who I knew from college were there. I was getting a lot of attention and he couldn't handle it; so after a yelling match in the car; he dragged me inside and slapped me around his apartment."

"I thought you lived together?"

"Only on the weekends and vacation, for the most part I lived on campus."

"Right. So you snapped that night?"

"Absolutely. After I'd thrown my heels at him we were fighting and it got so bad he ended up strangling me. I still remember looking up at him and seeing his face blurry then clear then blurry again. As though he would rather hold me down forever than let me go. But I'd already outgrown him."

"Did he stop?"

"Yeah. The first words out of his mouth were an apology that made me sick. So I walked; with no shoes and marks on my neck and my face. I just left."

"Where'd you go?"

"I can't remember all I know is; I was gone for good and there was no way he could reach me again. There was no love for him; just devastation. But it happens every day. Aint that a bitch."

"Did you kill him?"

"No. He shot himself."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because after everything he did, I had to own up to what I put myself through. He doesn't owe me his life and I wasn't going to take it because I reclaimed my own the night I left him."

"Wow. Do you think ever loved you, in the beginning?"

"Who wouldn't love someone who put up with them at their worst and still kept on giving? He loved getting over on me, the power I yielded, the way I sacrificed myself for him. The ultimate comedown came when he saw I wasn't that person anymore and the hold weakened into nothing."

"Do you think Mom would have left?"

"No. I don't agree with what she did but know this; those were the desperate actions of an isolated individual. She had nowhere to go; she was trapped in a loveless, fragmented marriage and disowned by her family."

"That's so messed up."

"It's real; it doesn't have to be good."

"Ten years is a short sentence for murder."

"It was solicitation, not murder."

"Oh. I'm leaving this fall."

"For Baltimore I know. Good for you. Just remember to visit; even if it's just for laundry and free food. So about your boyfriend, what should I know?"

"What do you want to know?"

"If he treats you well, is going somewhere with his life, respects you. That kind of thing."

"I think he respects me but that's subjective, you can't measure that type of thing can you? I had a boyfriend when I was fourteen. He was twenty."

Nicole did her best not to display any signs of shock. "Go on."

"I was excited to have him notice me and all my friends were jealous. It was really stupid because he was in it for him, not for me."

"Did you have sex with him?"

Jasmine nodded. "I was the second in my clique; I didn't want to be the last. When I had fight with my friend; she told everyone and it got back to Mom and Dad. So going to rehab wasn't the first time I've upset them."

"Sounds tough."

"It was. When she found you, she would rave all the time to Dad about how you'd done so much your life and how you surpassed her expectations and everyone else's; but she never told me. _He_ did. Of all the reasons I used, one of them was hearing about you and the first time we met I had to know that you weren't just a myth or something. At the wedding I could see that Kelly was jealous, and when I come over and see you with Maya, I feel the same way."

"Why?"

"She doesn't suffer because of who you were or who you are; she's lucky."

_A year later_.

For Jess, the feeling of going home was always a mixture of anxiety and excitement; she longed to see her family again but feared the gap between them and wondered whether they could handle the differences. In the time she had taken to find that this was the life she wanted and the man she wanted to share it with; she had gained enough life experience to justify her decision. She knew Nicole and Antonio would support even though they no longer worked together, and telling them was so easy that it gave her the confidence she needed to tell her family. Pictures of their seven-month-old baby girl Ramona Denise were stuck to the fridge in the new apartment she shared with him. He sensed the growing nerves as the cab driver neared her house and put his arm around her. After a few minutes of stalling she found herself introducing him as what he was, "Mom, Doug; this is my fiancée."

After the initial shock cleared, they came to accept it and more importantly, accept him. So much so that Toni insisted on throwing a party so he knew the family he was marrying into.

"You could've warned me Jess. Did you see Mom's face? Classic."

"I meant to; it just happened so fast."

"Why'd you say yes?"

"I didn't have to think or question it; as soon as I said yes I knew it was the truth."

"Cool." He said nonchalantly. "Don't get mad. Guess what I did to your car?"

"What have you done?" She asked in astonishment, giving the pale facial expression he always got out of her as a child. "Tell me!"

He laughed at her, taking away the serious edge D.C. had given her. "Nothing. Relax, you're at home now."

_Eight months later_.

After settling in in theDirectorate of Intelligence Division, Antonio soon realized the probability of Nicole agreeing to having any more children was low, especially when Maya learnt the word No and her will was starting to rival Nicole's. The car ride home from their trip to Monterrey could have been a scene from Are We There Yet? They left the girls with Nina and James and headed for the cathedral where Jess and her intended were getting married. Nicole had always liked him and as she told Jess, Kelly and Jasmine, "Any man who knows your worth, and shows it, is alright with me."

During the ceremony, she contemplated _what if_ scenarios but knew that she learnt invaluable things from Darnell even if they caused her pain at the time. The experience of doing something her mother never could, made her grow up even faster. It also taught her she was alone in the world. So up came the walls that shielded her from getting to close to others and the always-ready-to-run way of living where she didn't commit to anything, anyplace or anyone except her job.

It was only until she treated the relationship with Antonio like it was for keeps and committed herself to it that she found it was alright to be vulnerable with someone and trusting the wasn't a sign of weakness because taking the risk of believing in him and herself connoted profound inner strength and growth. She was the superhero who'd overcome their harmattia.

_What was isn't what is or will be_; she recalled Jess' wise words with the belief that committing to the present and the future was more important than the past. The nightmares, bad memories, feelings of guilt, shame and humiliation were all a part of her but so were the love and loyalty she shared with her family and friends and the innocent joy that was reflected in her daughters.

Doug walked behind Jess, whose arm was linked to her Uncle Paul to stop her from falling. He couldn't explain how much Jess understood him or how much he loved her so instead he made a pact with Nicole and Antonio to kick this guy's ass if he ever made her unhappy. After frowning at their cursing in a holy place, Toni was glad to know that she did have people who loved and treated her like family in D.C. and dispelled one of her earliest fears from when Jess left Quantico.

Pollock and Janice sat next to Nicole, who couldn't be a bridesmaid because she couldn't wear the dress Jess had picked out to ensure no-one out dressed her, and Antonio, who was dealing with old memories of being forced to do his Holy Communion and Confirmation despite averaging at five days a year of Catholicism at present. She was sure Janice was pregnant again and was the driving force in his attendance and both their weddings. After the vows and priest pronounced them Mr. and Mrs…

"Do you remember when the judge called us Mr. and Mrs. Cortez? How long did that last, a day?" Antonio joked while Nicole was on her second glass of wine.

"I had to go for the hyphen. I'm only Mrs. Cortez on jewellery. They look great together, I don't think I've ever seen her so happy." Nicole commented on their first dance to Luther Vandross and Cheryl Lynn's If this world were mine.

"That's what can love can do, when it's not driving you crazy."

"They'll have their days."

"You think she'll take his name?"

"I don't know; Jessica Davina Burgess has a nice ring to it."

_Three years later_.

Jess watched Jack playing Frisbees with their two-year-old son Giancarlo and their Beagle, Frodo, and asked herself how many children she actually had. She slid her Baretta 9mm pistol into the holder on her hip and met Nicole at the gun range. Together, they used live targets to substitute exes that had wronged them and vent their frustrations with their husbands. Jess finally agreed that happiness is a warm gun, especially if you're a pissed-off woman.

"Do you ever think of Colin?" Nicole asked, beaming at her 99.2 accuracy.

"Not anymore. After he got married I realised he doesn't belong to me anymore and as a friend I want him to be happy, even if her face does resemble a rodent's." Jess blurted out much to Nicole's amusement. "I'm kidding."

"And I'm a natural blonde. Look at it this way; he did it because you gave him that _blind faith_, remember? Did he ever find out?"

"No. At least he's found the one and he deserves it."

"Cool. Let's hit the track."

"Let's not." Jess said knowing Nicole would coerce her into running countless laps with her hen congratulate her after putting her through physical hell. "I need some new friends." Jess remarked when they were done.

Over the years, frequent trips to Colombia and Mexico had honed her cooking skills, easily put ten pounds on Antonio and embedded her more into the family. As she had predicted, her girls were as inseparable and she and Kelly were. On arrival, he was amazed by the smells of his favourite meal; Chuletas de cerdo con manzana, Cebiche; which he hated as a child and Churros which every child she knew loved with melted chocolate. Consuela's influence and the films, Like Water For Chocolate and Waitress had rubbed off on her; she was cooking her feelings away.

"Pops is dead." She said without warning. Her unchanging facial expression and rational, emotionless tone she used showed that she'd opted for intellectualization as the defence mechanism of the day. He immediately hugged her, waiting for her to come undone but that wouldn't happen until after they had flown to Chicago for the burial, after she'd taken care of Jasmine who'd last seen him at her college graduation a few months before and after she delivered her last words to him at the service. The comfort of crying in her own home, with someone who held her and didn't pacify her gave her the freedom to let go of what she held together to take care of others.

She'd known about her grandfather's pneumonia for over a year and in that time he had prepared her for the inevitable. Under his instruction; she took care of her family before flying out and when she was back in her comfort zone, mourned his death only once. This once took at least four hours but when it was over, it was over. Her Aunt Naomi's rousing rendition of Blessed Assurance no longer rang in her mind and her Uncle Terrence's mention of her mother's past addiction was forgotten. It was a new day and as she walked past their rooms, put up some new pictures and sat in the garden in a peaceful, meditative silence so penetrating she thought she could hear him saying, "Look around you; you're doing fine. You know you're something special baby girl."

_Yes…I am_.


End file.
